For you Arthur
by ladymerthur
Summary: Happens after the battle in 5x12-5x13 (Arthur,Gwaine and Morgana survive) How much longer can Merlin hide what he is? How long does it take until he'll be full of the weight of it ? His horrible past isn't helping either. Merlin is full of dark secrets and it won't be long until he'll break.
1. Let me forget

_After the war in 5x12. Merlin had been Emrys and destroyed more than half of the army. Arthur lived,Morgana had managed to flee and Mordred hadn't switched team._

_**Merlin's early life:** Hunith had taken him in when he was 12. You might find out what happened before that._

_**Warning;** rape,cutting,depression,thoughts about suicide._

_**So please do not read if it might be a trigger,** i'd hate if someone hurt them self because of this story. Well in fact it would ruin me. This story is very violent and just to point it out i write those kind of stories so i can see i can handle my own life. So i can see you can win every battle so i'll promise you that it will have a happy ending, or for most people at least._

_Let me say it again. Happy ending=**most** people_

_Hey and english is not my first language. It might be well obvious to those that it is, well it most definitely is if I need to be honest._

**_contains a lot of Merthur, promise ;)_**

* * *

**Let me forget**

Merlin couldn't forget the image of Morgana. Her eyes had looked so sad and if Merlin wasn't wrong he saw regret in them. He really wanted to believe her, after all she was a dear friend to him. Merlin felt awful. The fact that he destroyed thousand might play a part in this, a big part in this. He never ever in his life wanted to be a serial killer but he had to, for the greater good. It simply didn't help, his chest felt like a heavy stone and he was completely done emotionally and physically. All the magic he had done few hours ago, he didn't even remember what, or in fact he did but he didn't want to think about it. First now he was beginnig to understand why the druids wanted to believe he was Emrys, even Merlin was surprised remember what he did back there. Well he shut those thoughts very soon, he didn't want to think about it, he felt awful for doing those things even though those people were doing very wrong but he clearly didn't believe they were all evil, and what if Morgana was forcing them?

He stopped himself again, he didn't want to think further because that would lead to who died and who did not? He had seen Gwaine and Arthur and he was sure Gwen was alright along with Gauis. The others he wasn't that sure about and in honest didn't want to think about it, it was pure horror. He had thought about coming to their camp after the war but he just couldn't explain why he was looking like he was, not that he had seen himself but he was completely powerless in his body. Although he didn't want to admit it then he knew the true reason, he just wasn't ready to face them yet, he was scared, scared of seeing who was okay and who was not, scared of seeing Arthur disappointed face because he had left him. He truly felt like a coward but he told himself that it might be because he was so tired, isn't that what is said ?, if you're tired your more emotional? Well he had another reason why he couldn't walk this short walk, the reason was because he simply wasn't even sure if he could stand up from where he was laying. His eyes were so heavy, he was even having a hard time just thinking and it wasn't long until everything went blank.

Merlin woke up startled when someone was slapping his cheek

Wha,''Merlin heard himself murmur in a hoarse voice

You almost look like a woman,''he heard some stranger say and Merlin sat up even more startled and looked at this man. He felt even more powerless now, this wouldn't end good, he was sure. He knew what horrible people did because he hadn't been all that lucky in his youth. His yellow teeth were seen as he watched down on Merlin with his dark long hair almost all in his face.

William come and see what i found in the woods, a good looking lad that pretty much looks like a woman, our type mate,''he asked him smiling so his yellow teeth were shown even more. Merlin felt horror creep to every part of his body, this wouldn't end well. He tried to raise himself to his feet but as he thought, his nightmare was brought to life bringing old memories crashing back right into his heart while this one was being created. Not what he was sure his screams were heard a long way. How could he not? He tried to use his magic but everything in him was so done. Emotionally ,mentally and physically done. No, he wouldn't let this happen. That lead to more violent and before he knew everything was blank.

* * *

He woke up when the sun was coming up and he sat up startled. His body, it ached. His hole was well tortured and he had to lay down again because it hurt sitting. He knew he had bled very well, probably not only there but he didn't really want to check. He just watched the sky blankly after he shakily fixed his clothes.

No please,''a 5 year old Merlin screamed in the older Merlin's head

Please no,''Merlin heard himself murmur in a voice that he barely knew himself. He had been raped, this time had been the worst. They had found out about this magic. They believed that some kind of a devil lived in people with magic and they had to cure him off it before it would do harm. Not that the raping part had anything to do with that. By burying him alive, well that was believed to kill the devil inside of those with magic. So that had happened, Merlin truly couldn't think of a worse cause of death then dying alive in a coffin but he didn't and all thanks to his magic. The escape out had taken an awfully a lot of time, or so it felt but it worked in the end, thank god. He never let himself even think about this, it was too horrible but he knew it was slowly eating him inside. Well he had told Hunith this but very soon she had passed away so again he had lived on his own. His real mom hadn't been all that interested in him in fact, she had been very mental if Merlin had to admit and he was very thankful he got that year with Hunith. He still couldn't help but feel a bit of anger towards his real mom that he just liked to call Cory, after all she hadn't defended him and well she used to call him a devil too like those people. Merlin had to admit that he still loved her, she had been okay in between but he didn't like to think of her as mom because in his mind because Hunith was. She might not be his blood but she lived in his heart, he truly loved her and missed her. Merlin had been lucky coming to Camelot and Gaius remembering him since he was 12. He had came once that year, Huntih and him had been fine friends.

Merlin sighed, he had Gaius that was truly like a father to him and he was forever thankful to him for taking him in. He knew sooner or later he had to tell Gaius everything about this, it was eating him inside. It just felt so painfully real as you said it out loud but Merlin knew Gaius would only be there for him and support him. Merlin hadn't even realized the hot tears soundly streaming down his face . He wiped them quickly away and tried to stand up. He had to start walking back to Camelot, it was a long journey when you weren't on a horse. It was painful, every step was painful. Merlin just decided to let the tears fall, he was anyways alone. He didn't like crying because when he started, it was so hard to stop.

After a long time, or felt like a long time he heard footsteps making him freeze in his tracks.

What do you mean you just left him there,''Merlin heard a voice of one of the man say and his eyes widened. He was still lacking all strength and his body pained him everywhere so he looked around for a hiding place and soon found one behind a root on a big tree. There he got lucky, or at least for now.

* * *

_**to be continued..  
**_


	2. One more monster crawls inside

**One more monster crawls inside**

What was time even? It was still sun, he had been hiding there what felt like hours and hours unable to move himself. Well in fact he could move himself but he really didn't mind sitting there and pretend he didn't exist just for a while longer. This weird thing time, if it even existed. The feeling when you are sad, it just changes you. Everything looked so frozen, he deeply felt like he didn't belong here. Something had woken up inside of him, something he didn't want to think about. It was big and heavy and sat firmly in his chest. He didn't even feel like crying, he just sat there, he could as well be dead. Why did emotions do this? Everything seemed so different. The sun was shining brightly but the only thing he saw was shadow, shadow as long as life itself. Stuck there, starting in his heart, floating in his veins until it had taken over him all. He just wanted to sleep, to forget. The monster had came alive and he didn't know what to do. He wasn't even sure if love could save him ,even though he craved a hug, a hug from the love of his life. The love of his life that knew him as a simple minded idiot, or at least as far as Merlin knew.

Merlin knew if he would force his mind to forget this it would grow, it would grow into a bigger monster. He simple didn't want to tell Gaius because he knew it would worry him. Merlin was sure he would start crying endlessly like he was losing his mind and poor Gaius that loved him with all his heart, it would break him. Even Merlin couldn't deny the love Gaius had for him, he was very good and not seeing the love he got. But at the same time, if he would tell Gaius he would feel the trust and he was sure it would mean a lot to him. Of course Gaius only wanted to help him overcome those horrible memories, he just hated seeing him sad. Sadly he wasn't sure if he had any option much longer, the speed of the monster inside was increasing. The claws were locking firmer on to his heart, he couldn't bear this much longer. He had to, he had to tell him. Sooner or later he would die inside, he didn't want to die inside to breathe in. He was going tell him and as soon as possible.

_**to be continued..**_

* * *

_**The future chapters will be longer..**_

_Arthur will soon come into the story, those two chapters i've made are just a intro really, hehe!_

_hey feel free to review, negative or positive. Just look at your self first,please don't be more rude then you need to be,thanks:)_

_no really, reviews do help so i really would appreciate them_


	3. The beginning of the way home

**The beginning of the way home**

He hadn't even noticed that he had fallen asleep until he felt hands shaking him. His luck was obviously not with him any longer. He was forced to stand up and he looked at this man face, it was the one that had found him last time. There was a thick alcohol smell of him. The guy leaned evilly to his face smiling holding his shirt firmly by the neck. It took Merlin a bit to admit those newly created memories back.

"We aren't playing hide and seek little boy,' he said playfully making the smell of alcohol be even more overwhelming

"I promise you, I wouldn't bother me,' Merlin said low looking at this guy coldly, he felt like he had a bit more strength now, or at least at this moment.

"Why is that, because you're so utterly dangerous, 'the man whispered smiling like this was all a silly little game, the man flew up into the air without further commenting. Merlin felt the monster screaming, the urge to feel angry. What this man had done to him, he just couldn't help but feel angry. There was no way he was feeling sorry for the man that he had knocked out. He should feel thankful for keeping his life. After all Merlin did not fancy ending more lives even though some people deserved it. He just hoped from the bottom of his heart that this man wouldn't hurt more people, but sadly he strongly doubted it. Still he couldn't kill him. Ending a life is serious and Merlin deeply wished that he had never in his life done a thing like that. The fact that he now couldn't even count the number made him want to throw up and he did. He wiped his mouth firmly staring and the grass where and butterfly had just set itself on to a flower. How could life be so easy for some creatures? Some people? People always said life wasn't fair and it was indeed. Merlin saw that now more than ever. He couldn't help but feel sorry for himself, he hated that feeling, he hated crying because of his own self pity. He just really couldn't help it. The tears began streaming down his face, at least he felt alive again. His chest was screaming and there was no way he could trick himself into thinking he was laying there, gone and dead in the cold ground. He did the only thing he could think of and he started walking the way towards home, trying to remember why life was worth living. For Arthur,for Gaius,for Gwaine,for all of his friends. He couldn't end his life, he had to look out for them. It wasn't right ending his life, he knew it would hurt them. Arthur the man that he loved the most in the whole wide world. He could never leave him. Sometimes he wondered if Arthur knew how much he loved him, he loved him so much that it seemed impossible that he didn't notice. Not that Merlin was hoping him to discover the desire he had for him, no not at all, that would end their friendship. Dear god, those times Merlin spent in his head seeing him and Arthur together as lovers, well he tried everything to skip it but he found himself doing it again and again. The thought of Arthur finding out what went on in his head when he was having his late night pleasure was terrifying. A man shouldn't want a man that way, Merlin knew. He just couldn't help it. He was long over the fact that he would live single for the rest of his life, it had to be that way. Being with a woman wouldn't work, it wouldn't be far to her or to himself. Arthur looked happy with Gwen and Merlin was happy for that.

As timeless as Merlin was he had no idea how long he'd been walking. He stopped in his tracks when it was beginning to be very dark. There wasn't long until he was cuddling himself up next to a big tree, making the leaves of it cover him from the slight rain.

* * *

Merlin woke up soaked, he had no idea how he could sleep that long and trough the rain. He sat up slowly rubbing his eyes. How he wanted to forget those memories, dig them into the ground. He would indeed want to dig deep, very deep. It was so painful. The monster was still there growing in the dark. Would it ever go? It felt like it was there to stay. He just hoped the talk he had planned with Gaius would go well and force it away. His stomach made a sound and he looked down sadly. He hadn't eaten for three days now, three whole days. No wonder he felt powerless, it wasn't only the powerful magic that had lead to him losing his strength. He placed his hand on his stomach, he was nervous for arriving to Camelot. Who was gone? Who was in the stone cold ground now without him knowing?

He had been walking for a long time now. Or god damn it felt like a long time. Where was his time sense when he needed it? He looked up and the sun was still shining brightly, it hadn't been that morning Merlin had found a lake that he had used to drink from. He had noticed his face that was all bruised just as he had expected. He was sure he would be asked about it and he wasn't sure what he would say. His magic would be able to fix a lot of his wounds, if only he didn't need all that energy. He was sure if he would try, he'd end up dying here alone, laying in the middle of the forest. The lack of strength he had was only increasing and his body was slowly giving up. Just as Merlin was going to rest for a moment he heard faint voices. He forced his feet not to give up,they were shaking from exhaustion now. As he came nearer he began hearing familiar voices. It wasn't long until he was peeking from behind a tree. The sight he saw was Arthur sitting on a stone beside Gwen, holding her looked like she was weeping if Merlin saw right. He hadn't peeked for a long time because he was scared if they would notice him. He took a slow breath in to calm himself. Maybe he would be able to find Gaius without making the others be aware of him, he craved a little talk,now more than ever. Just as he was making himself ready to look carefully again he felt a hand on his shoulder

"Merlin, good to see you,' Gwaine said loudly. Merlin was startled, he was indeed tired and hadn't even heard the steps of Gwaine.

"No, no I'm not here!,' Merlin heard himself say desperately before he could stop himself. Gwaine just sat down beside him with his back against the tree with a worried look on his face. He was obviously tracking what was seen of Merlin's skin. His eyes stumbled on his neck for several seconds and Merlin saw something flash in his eyes. He would feel way more embarrassed if he wasn't in such a denial and lacking all strength.

"Glad to see you're alive too Merlin,' he murmured looking at him even more worried now. How those words made Merlin feel, he felt so guilty.

"I knew you hadn't passed,I felt it. I'm sorry Gwaine,' Merlin murmured sadly shocking his head as he was looking at the ground. He looked at Gwaine that was staring at him.

"Are you now going to tell me what you were doing,' Gwaine asked him seriously.

"I wasn't spying,' Merlin said firmly making Gwaine smile a bit and look at him more curiously.

"I wasn't talking about that,' he said low. Gwaine was staring at him with those worried gentle eyes he often gave him when Merlin didn't look all that happy. It just looked way more intense now.

"What happened to you,' Gwaine asked him in a sad voice and Merlin just looked to the ground away from him.

"Tripped over a root and knocked myself out, then I walked into a tree. I was very tired and clumsy, 'Merlin heard himself saying without planning anything that would make more sense. He was furious to himself once he realized how stupid he sounded. Nobody but a fool would believe this and Gwaine was not a fool, not at all.

"Gwaine I need to go, I'll talk to you when we meet in Camelot . I'll just, you know,I..,' Merlin began to murmur watching the ground, but just stopped himself and was going to stand up but Gwaine's hand gripped his shoulder firmly to keep him still.

"What on earth happened to you, who did this? ,' Gwaine said with almost an angry voice. Or so it sounded. Merlin forced himself to look at him and Gwaine was watching him very sadly.

"Who's gone? ,' Merlin asked him like he didn't even want to know the answer. His voice sounded so sad and fragile.

"I think Arthur should tell you that,' Gwaine murmured blankly still holding his shoulder, even stroking it a bit to Merlin's surprise. He wasn't use to being touched in any way, so it felt odd. Even a bit uncomfortable. There was a silent for few minutes with Gwaine simply staring into the air seeming to be deep in his thoughts. Merlin didn't know what to do, how would he talk himself out of this? What would he say? Were they still buying that collecting rare herbs thing? Merlin even doubted that someone believed it at first and he knew Arthur would force it out of him as soon as he would see him, or at least very soon after. Merlin looked up from the ground as Gwaine sighed.

"I'm going to get Arthur, we need to talk to you,' he murmured sadly watching Merlin gently.

"No I'm on my way,' Merlin said firmly trying to stand up but Gwaine's hand that was still on his shoulder stopped him. Merlin denied eye contact with Gwaine in annoyance.

"Then tell me what happened to you,' Gwaine said blankly and Merlin forced himself to look at him.

"I'm pretty sure I just told you,' Merlin heard himself saying in a weak voice. He hated himself for sounding so weak, now nobody would buy this.

"I'm not an idiot Merlin,' Gwaine said firmly watching him with gentle eyes and Merlin looked away.

"If you're such a clotpole and won't let me go and I've no idea why, I don't get you.. well if I need to stay, please get Gaius for me could you? Could you do that for me please? ,''Merlin murmured blankly and looked up on Gwaine that was still looking at him.

"I know I shouldn't ask you to do something for me. I'm just a servant but I'm not in a mood to you know, having to greet people,' Merlin said low like he didn't want to admit it to himself.

"Are you then going to promise me that you'll wait for me here? ,' Gwaine asked him firmly like he was completely sure he would run away. Merlin nodded firmly. He knew his eyes were probably blank, Gwaine wasn't an idiot and he knew something terrible had happened. It was obvious to anyone with a brain. Merlin felt stupid for thinking he could lie in a state like this.

"Can you hurry up,' Merlin asked him more desperately then he had intended.

"Of course,' Gwaine said as he patted his shoulder. Soon he raised himself up to go still having this worried look on his face. As much as Merlin wanted to be alone, he still was looking forward to see Gaius. He desperately needed a shoulder to cry on.

_**To be continued…**_

* * *

_The next chapter is almost completely written in my brain, so it will be up very soon. I THINK! Arthur will be in it!_

_tell me what i do wrong and what i do right yeah? i'd be thankful!_


	4. Protect me from the truth

**Protect me from the truth**

Gwaine soon found himself standing in front of Arthur that was whispering something gently into Gwen's ear.

"sir,'' Gwaine murmured making Arthur look at him. His face wasn't long going into confusion seeing how worried he looked.

"You need to come with me, ''he said as he had gotten his attention. His voice sounded very serious, after all something very bad had happened to Merlin. The news they would have to bring him weren't anything good either and Gwaine felt devastated, specially because Merlin was already feeling so horrible. He truly hoped that what he suspected hadn't happened. Arthur raised himself making him pull out of his thoughts.

"Yeah, what is it?,'' Arthur asked him seriously making Gwaine sigh.

"It's Merlin, I just found him here. He was spying on us, something very bad happened to him, I've no idea what to do,'' Gwaine told him sadly. Arthur's face looked shocked for a second but soon changed into pure worry. Gwaine knew he would never admit his feelings, but he didn't need it, his face gave it away.

"Is he here now?,'' Arthur asked him worried, he obviously couldn't hide it. Arthur was not a fan of showing his emotions but somehow it looked like he didn't even care now. Gwaine gave a simple nod, watching Arthur blankly.

"Take me to him,'' Arthur told him firmly and started walking the way Gwaine had came from.

"No Arthur, you need to listen,'' Gwaine said firmly after taking his elbow so he would stop. He released it as Arthur stopped and turned around to look at him.

"What with Merlin ?,'' Gwen asked worried making them both look at her. She had followed them without him noticing.

Gwen I'm sorry, I don't think it's wise for many people to come, he's very fragile. I'm not sure what happened to him,'' he told Gwen blankly and then looked at Arthur.

"He thinks i'm getting Gaius, that's the only way I could get him to stay,'' Gwaine told him seriously.

"Oh god,'' Gwen said placing her hand over her mouth as her eyes began to water.

I'm not sure how we should do this, but I somehow think it's best if you talk to him, sir,'' he told Arthur seriously making Arthur confused.

"We'll go together ,''he told Gwaine that bit his lip in confusion.

"I don't know, if only Gaius could. If he would open up to somebody then it would be Gaius,''Gwaine murmured blankly. Gwen was still sobbing low watching the ground sadly.

"How are you going to tell him? ,''she said as she looked at her husband worried. Arthur sighed heavily staring at the ground a bit before looking at her.

"Don't worry, we'll do our best,'' Arthur told her gently but his eyes were blank. His eyes had been blank ever since Gwaine had brought the news to him.

"He's most with you two, so I guess if he opens up to somebody it will be either of you,''she murmured sadly as she watched Arthur. She was wiping her tears firmly away with the back of her hand.

"Don't you worry my lady, we'll do our best,'' Gwaine told her and gave her a tiny smile making her repeat it with watery eyes.

"You'll let me know as soon as you can how's feeling, yeah?,'' Gwen asked low.

"Of course my lady,'' Gwaine told her politely.

* * *

Merlin had been sitting there for like felt like ages but were really just couple of minutes. He couldn't wait to see Gaius. As he heard footsteps nearing him he looked up. Soon they came walking into his sight, it wasn't Gaius.

"Where is he?,'' Merlin asked them angry. He couldn't help himself. So Gaius wasn't even here? And why was Arthur staring at him as he had just died before his eyes. Merlin had no idea why it got on his nerves like this but it did, and he couldn't help but watch them angry. Gwaine had lied to him and it angered him even further.

"Merlin, we need to talk to you,'' Gwaine said seriously, soon after they had sat down in front of him.

"Yeah, I was just on my way,'' Merlin murmured without looking at them. He started to raise him self but a hand grabbed his wrist. He pulled out of it, without looking at who did it. Merlin didn't mind trying another attempt to go, he just sat there silent.

"Have you eaten in days?, you look horrible,'' Gwaine murmured concerned.

"No Gwaine, it's just my face,'' Merlin said without looking at him. He was of course lying, he hadn't.

"Do you have food?,'' Merlin asked them rather happily, first now looking completely at them. He had changed mood incredible fast, denial again, it just felt way easier.

"Of course, but you got to tell us what happened to you,'' Arthur told him firmly making Merlin's eyes be only focused on him.

"What?,'' Merlin murmured offended making Arthur raise his eyebrows slightly. Merlin looked at the ground in front of him, not wanting to see his eyes. He felt like they were reading him like an open book, especially Arthur. Somehow Merlin felt like Arthur knew exactly what happened, but he didn't want to think about it. He threw the thought out of his mind, it was way too painful. If someone would know, well then he wouldn't be able to pretend nothing happened. He knew it wasn't a good idea but he was only going to do it until Gaius would talk to him. Where was he anyways?

"You know what I was doing,'' Merlin told him seriously and Arthur sighed looking at him even more worried than before.

"You seriously thought I believed that,'' Arthur asked him blankly.

"Where is Gaius?, I want to talk to Gaius,''Merlin told them firmly without looking at them.

"Merlin you need to tell us first, it's very important,'' Gwaine murmured firmly and Merlin smiled.

"Gwaine you haven't let me teach you Chess yet,'' Merlin murmured fixing his eyes on his. Gwaine stared at him in complete confusion and Arthur's worried eyes were still fixed on him, he couldn't bring himself to look at them. As Gwaine didn't answer he looked away into the blue, just to be away from their eyes. There were couple of minutes in silent and Merlin didn't dare to bring his eyes to meet theirs.

"Now Merlin, it's better to have this done dear,'' Arthur told him very gently. Merlin couldn't help it and looked at him shocked. Arthur blushed and Merlin couldn't help himself but find it funny, but he didn't dare to show it on his face. He raised himself quickly but Arthur wasn't long gripping his arm, making them stand face to face. Merlin eyes went down to where he was firmly holding him and soon after on Arthur's worried face.

"I'm on my way I said,'' Merlin told him firmly using his free hand to try to release Arthur's grip. It didn't do any good because Arthur placed his hands firmly on his upper arms.

"Not until you tell me what happened to you,'' Arthur told him firmly, after looking briefly on his neck. He knew their eyes had been tracing every visible part of his skin ever since they came, but he didn't want to think about what they saw.

"There is nothing to say,''Merlin told him shortly without looking at him.

"You were abused,'' Arthur told him low and Merlin shocked his head

"I tripped,'' Merlin said quickly like he didn't want him to hear his lame lie.

"Look at me,''Arthur told him low and Merlin shocked his head and closed his eyes. He tried to find some good memory.

"Merlin,'' Arthur asked him shocking him a bit.

"sus,''Merlin whispered smiling a bit. He didn't want to look at their faces, they made everything so real. He soon decided to think about the first time he met Gaius and he took him in. Gaius had been so good to him, even then when they had just met.

"Merlin,'' Arthur said loudly making him open his eyes. He hadn't been left to be long in his thoughts and it annoyed him, he wanted to stay there.

"Who raped you,'' Arthur whispered to him like he was angry. Merlin that had been forced to look at Arthur after the shout, stared at him with wide eyes.

"Who did it?, tell me who did it?,''Arthur asked him with a trempling voice.

"No,''Merlin said seriously and Arthur stared at him like he was fighting tears to Merlin's surprise.

"What happened to you?,''Merlin asked him seriously and Arthur closed his eyes briefly making one tear go down. He didn't look at Merlin for almost a minute but as he did he was calm.

"Who did this?,'' Arthur whispered gently staring at Merlin like he was the most precious thing in the world.

"Are you okay?,'' Merlin said with wide eyes and Arthur shocked his head slightly.

"I know you're in denial,'' Arthur told him low and Merlin looked away from him for a bit.

"Why are you so sad?,'' Merlin asked him after he had fixed his eyes on his again. Arthur started stroking him with his thumbs a bit and Merlin looked at one of his hand surprised, as if to make sure it was really happening.

"Merlin,'' Arthur told him gently without stopping his gentle stroking but was forced to when Merlin was moving his shoulders like he didn't want it.

"I'm on my way,'' Merlin murmured again and he heard Arthur sigh heavily so he looked at him.

"I know you got raped Merlin, you need to say it aloud and by whom,'' Arthur told him sadly.

"I don't know what you are talking about,'' Merlin told him firmly, but he knew his voice was blank. This lie wasn't going to work, Merlin knew it but he didn't want to admit it to himself.

"I see every sign to it Merlin. Or is this a way of telling me that you went off when we were in war to meet your lover, so he could give you this horrible love bite?,'' Arthur murmured making Merlin close his eyes. He didn't want to think, he could feel himself floating into the nothingness. Sometimes it was if his magic had a will on its own.

**_to be continued_..**

* * *

_I'm not sure i should keep having the chapters in this lenght or longer. It seems so short, but anyways i hope this was okay. Not horrible, if this is anything but horrible i'm glad. I feel so uncomfortable sharing my writing, even though you've no idea who i am. So please if you find this better then horrible,please let me know. Sorry, couldn't help myself but shout it out._

_p.s. if you are wondering why i didn't visit Arthur's head, well it's because it's my lame attempt to make the story more exciting._

_LadyFromPoland : thank you for the review! i'm happy you found it interesting. Thank you so much for taking the time, i really appreciate it._

___p.s. every update can take 1-30 days! i write when i feel like it and school keeps me very busy_


	5. Behind those eyes

_**Behind those eyes**_

Gwaine hurried quickly to Arthur as he saw Merlin falling limp into his arms.

"Merlin,''Arthur murmured almost like horrified as he laid Merlin gently to the ground. Arthur wasn't long placing his hand on his pulse point by his neck.

"Is it okay? ,''Gwaine asked him worried and Arthur looked at him seriously and gave a nod like he was deep in his thoughts.

"If you're awake let us know Merlin, I promise he'll stop asking for some time,'' Gwaine told him low watching Merlin's face. It really looked like he was sleeping to him, he probably was. It was very strange how he had fallen asleep in few seconds and not only that but in those circumstances. Gwaine watched as Arthur laid his palm gently on Merlin's chin patting it gently.

"Are you okay ?,''he asked him gently, he was watching Merlin with something so intense in his eyes that Gwaine really couldn't put his finger on it. If you could eat person with stares, Arthur would probably be on his last bite, that's how intense it was. His eyes were sprinkling with so many emotions and it wouldn't even take a genius to figure that out. Arthur was now stroking Merlin's cheek with his fingers, staring at him as if he'd know the whole truth by only staring.

"Shouldn't we just let him sleep? ,'' Gwaine asked him low.

"He must have fainted, his pulse looks okay to me,'' Arthur murmured seriously without fixing his eyes on Gwaine.

"If only Gaius was here,'' Gwaine sighed and with this Arthur looked at him.

"We need to take more weight off his shoulders before we bring him that news,'' Arthur murmured blankly.

"I'm just not sure if he'll tell us more. We can't keep on going pretending like Gaius is somewhere alright, it's not fair to him,'' Gwaine told him blankly and Arthur moved his eyes on Merlin's face.

"I don't know Gwaine, I just don't know if he can carry more pain,'' Arthur murmured very sadly. Arthur stopped stroking Merlin to lay his hand on his forehead.

"It looks like he's a bit sick, I'll carry him to the camp so he can sleep a bit. When he wakes up we'll try to talk to him again,'' Arthur told him as he was picking Merlin up to his shoulder. Gwaine followed him towards the camp.

"He can stay in mine sire,'' Gwaine murmured following him.

"I want to keep him in my sight,'' Arthur murmured low, many eyes were fixed on them as they walked by.

"What happened? ,''Percivial murmured after walking towards them along with few others.

"We are not sure, he wasn't very talkative, then he just fell asleep,'' Gwaine said after moving his eyes to meet his.

"Is he very hurt?,'' Percivial asked after only seeing Arthur walk by briefly.

"This is more about being not mentally alright, his body shows some signs but what worries me the most is how he behaves,'' Gwaine murmured still following Arthur.

"So you have no idea what happened ?,'' he asked him clearly worried walking by his site now.

"I have ideas but it's not something to share, if Merlin wants to share this with you he will,'' Gwaine told him blankly without meeting his eyes. Percivial suddenly stopped following him.

"I understand, I'll leave you alone with him and Arthur,'' Percivial said with a voice mixed with worry and confusion, with that Gwaine looked slightly back to meet his eyes.

"Thank you ,'' he murmured and gave him a thankful smile. Gwaine couldn't imagine how hard it would be for Merlin to talk about this because even he was having a pretty hard time. He soon found himself inside Arthur's and Gwen's tent.

"You don't mind do you? ,' 'Gwaine asked as he stepped in and Arthur looked back after laying Merlin in the bed.

"No, I need to talk to you,'' Arthur murmured blankly and with that Gwaine took the several steps he had left to the bed.

"Can you promise me something? ,'' Arthur asked him after he looked away from Merlin. Gwaine got very confused; something was clearly going trough Arthur's head because he was staring at the ground very seriously.

"Everything you need sire,'' Gwaine answered him firmly and with that Arthur looked up on him very seriously.

"Can you promise me to look out for Merlin for couple of hours and make sure he won't go out of your sight ?,'' Arthur asked firmly with very intense eyes. Gwaine moved his eyebrows a bit in confusion as he stared at Arthur.

"Of course sire but where are you heading? ,''Gwaine asked him. Arthur gave a sigh and looked back on Merlin.

"I might find them, those who did this,'' Arthur told with a low angry voice.

"How would you know who did this?,'' Gwaine murmured seriously and Arthur turned his head to fix his eyes on him.

''I'll just know,''Arthur said shortly and moved his eyes to the ground again. It was obvious that Arthur was slowly beginning to be unable to hide how furious he was.

"How would you just know, you've no idea who did this,'' Gwaine told him firmly getting very worried now, Arthur looked furious.

"If I see someone I'll ask them if they've seen him, I'll describe him.. I don't know, I don't care. I just need to do something and I'm sure I'll sense it if I'll find the right people. There is no way I can just sit here and do nothing about those monsters who did this,'' Arthur told him angry but clearly still trying to hide it. It wasn't going all that well.

"I understand sire,'' Gwaine murmured politely. He didn't want to anger him further, often he wouldn't care but now it wasn't the right time. In fact he was probably the only knight that often treated Arthur like he was no king at all and he knew Arthur even liked it, on times, not always.

"I don't care what you need to do to keep him here but you will, do you hear me? ,'' Arthur told him very firmly first now fixing his eyes on Gwaine's after a long time staring angrily at the earth.

"Yes sir. I'm sure I can handle him,'' Gwaine told him firmly and Arthur gave a thankful nod.

"I'm off then, if Leon or Percivial come let them know I'm looking for them,'' Arthur murmured on his way out.

"Of course,'' Gwaine murmured

* * *

It was good six hours later when Merlin opened his eyes slowly in confusion. It took him several seconds to recognize this as the tent he had helped placing up for Arthur at least several times. He sat up and got even more confusion when he realized he was in his bed.

"Merlin,'' Gwaine voice said close to him making him move his head to the left to see him.

"What am I doing here?,'' Merlin asked him very confused.

"You fell asleep,'' Gwaine murmured shortly.

"No I know that Gwaine. Why am I in their bed? ,''Merlin murmured as he hurried out of it. The memories were flashing back into his mind.

"I need to go,'' Merlin murmured unclearly heading outside of the tent but Gwaine gripped his elbow firmly.

"No you need to stay, I promised Arthur to keep you here,'' he murmured seriously and Merlin looked back on him annoyed.

"Leave me alone,'' Merlin told him angry and Gwaine sighed.

"No I can't Merlin, I promised the king. He's our king, I need to follow what he tells me to do,'' Gwaine told Merlin firmly.

"That's not my problem,'' Merlin told him furious, he was now using his other hand to try to force Gwaine's fingers away. It didn't do any good because Gwaine took a hold of his other hand and soon moved it up to his arms looking at Merlin seriously. Merlin denied to look at him and kept his gaze to the ground.

"Please Merlin. Take it easy,'' Gwaine told him worried. Merlin could feel his magic building up inside of him and he tried everything he could to relax. He had to do it because his magic could have a will of his own if he was very angry. That couldn't happen in front of someone from Camelot. He felt at home in Camelot and he wasn't sure if they would accept him as he was. In fact he was almost completely sure they would all hate him, not only because of what he was but because he had been hiding this for so long. It hurt a lot to think about it. He started fighting as much as he could.

"Merlin calm yourself,'' Gwaine told him loudly and firmly. Merlin was using all the power he had left to try to release himself. He heard someone walk into the tent soon after.

"Merlin,'' Arthur voice said. Merlin made an angry sound when Gwaine forced his hands behind his back holding them in a firm grip. Arthur walked up to Merlin until he was standing right in front of him.

"Are you hungry? ,''he asked Merlin low. Merlin pretended not to hear him watching the ground blankly.

"How did it go? ,''Gwaine asked Arthur and Merlin looked up in confusion. He saw Arthur giving Gwaine an angry face, this was obviously some secret that should be kept away. Arthur fixed his eyes on Merlin's face that was staring at him.

"I'll get you something to eat,'' Arthur told him gently

"Did something hit your head,' 'Merlin asked him making Arthur lift his eyebrows. It annoyed Merlin how nice he suddenly was to him.

"Why do you think so? ,''Arthur asked him

"Because you don't normally treat me like this,'' Merlin told him very annoyed and Arthur sighed.

"Merlin I know you are in denial, okay. Of course I'm nicer to you now,'' Arthur told him like it was obvious. After all it was, Merlin just didn't want to admit it. Merlin fixed his eyes on the ground again not wanting to see Arthur's worried eyes. It was so odd to see Arthur so emotional.

"Gwaine could you get something for him to eat ?,'' Arthur asked him and Gwaine suddenly loosened his grip and walked away. There was a silence for almost a minute but it felt like hours to Merlin.

"Merlin,'' Arthur said and once again Merlin pretended he didn't hear a thing. Suddenly he felt arms drag him into a hug making him jerk but it didn't stop Arthur.

"I'm so sorry,'' Arthur whispered to his ear so close that Merlin could feel them touch it.

"Stop, stop it,'' Merlin heard himself choke out but Arthur didn't seem to hear. Never in his life had Merlin been in that firm hug, it felt like Arthur was trying to inhale him all.

"Arthur what are you doing ? ,''Merlin heard himself choke out in confusion. Arthur didn't answer him, just continued to hold him making Merlin close his eyes. It felt a bit scary being in a firm hold like that after the rapes but he knew Arthur would never harm him. What made this even less scary was that he knew Arthur would never desire him in that way because he was obviously in love with Gwen. He was normal, like people should be. God dammit, normal! Not like Merlin, not so weird and odd. It was wrong but he's feelings felt so right. If not for all of this that had happened then Merlin was sure he'd been having way more problems in this hug. It wasn't the case now, he was empty, sad and angry. He just wanted to sleep and forget, that was the only thing he desired right now. Arthur suddenly loosened his grip with a face full of emotions.

"What were you doing?,'' Merlin asked him blankly and Arthur smiled a bit.

"Don't tell me you don't know what a hug is? ,''Arthur asked him and Merlin sighed. Arthur didn't even comment on him being stupid, it was odd.

"No I mean you are wearing your chain mail, what were you doing? You didn't wear it before I fell asleep,'' Merlin asked him low and Arthur just stared at him without answering. Merlin couldn't help but wish he had joined the hug. He hated himself for not joining it, he wanted another but he would never dare to say it aloud. He heard Gwaine walk in and Arthur turned around.

"I need to finish something, take care of him please. It won't take long,'' Arthur murmured to him on his way out and Gwaine nodded firmly.

_**to be continued...**_

* * *

_First of all i do realize i'm not a good writer_, i just like my ideas! I've wanted to write more but school has kept me busy...and other things. HEEY if there is something odd in this it might be because it's late and i'm stupid,sorry..

LadyFromPoland: thank you for the review again! =D

kenya1234: thank you for the review, i'm glad you're honest. Thank you very much i really appreciate it :D

p.s. i know very little has happened but it will change soon !


	6. Hidden desire

**Hidden desire**

* * *

"Merlin I beg you to eat this and not try to run away,okay?,'' Gwaine murmured as he handed him the plate. Merlin had sat down in one of the corner in the tent. Gwaine soon joined him.

"I'm not running away, it's not like I'm a prisoner here,''Merlin murmured and Gwaine smiled a bit.

"You kind of are in fact,'' Gwaine said low having a problem hiding his smile.

"I am not,'' Merlin told him very offended and Gwaine obviously couldn't help but smile. Gwaine just watched Merlin very gently for several seconds and dear god it wasn't comfortable. He really did get those gentle eyes often from Gwaine but not like that. Not that gentle.

"What am I dying?,'' Merlin asked him annoyed and Gwaine smiled.

"If you don't eat you probably will,'' Gwaine told him low and Merlin turned around so he was facing the tent. He just started eating it without showing any signs he knew Gwaine was still there. There was silence for couple of minutes as Merlin ate. He didn't turn around when he was done, he just sat there.

"Merlin you should change clothes, I can probably lend you something ,'' he heard Gwaine say couple of minutes after he finished eating. Stupid Gwaine, like his clothes would even fit on him? Not that it really mattered much for Merlin, he just liked being angry at someone. It kept his mind away from frightening thoughts. He continued to pretend he didn't hear and he really didn't care a bit that he was rude. There were questions in his head, so many. He was afraid to ask them, what if some of his friends were gone? It was better to spend couple of minutes to calm down and prepare for the bad news, he knew there was some bad news. He could feel it.

Someone walked into the tent couple of minutes later, Merlin didn't even bother moving his head to check who. In fact he didn't have to, Gwaine soon said Arthur's name and was heard moving. Merlin made a simple charm to hear better, he was curious what Arthur had to say.

"I questioned them. I'll take their life when we get back home,'' Arthur whispered angrily and Merlin's closed eyes flew open. Merlin surely hated those bastards that did this to him but to kill them and take away their life? It was too much, to Merlin at least. He really didn't want to be responsible for more deaths.

"Good, I've been trying to tell him some stories or just something but I swear I think he doesn't even hear me,'' Gwaine whispered very worried. There was a silence for a bit until he heart Arthur inhale deeply.

"I should talk to him,'' Arthur whispered blankly. Merlin really wanted to be alone, Arthur was the last person he wanted to break down and cry to. He didn't want Arthur to see him so weak, especially because he was scared Arthur would discover he was in love with him. From the past Merlin had learned that he sometimes was way too obvious as he was sad, even sometimes couldn't hold lies in anymore. He also really just couldn't stand Arthur watching him like this, it made the pain even worse.

"Are you going to tell him about Gaius? ,''Gwaine murmured worried and Merlin was startled. Gwaine sounded completely broken, what had happened to Gaius? It really must be something awful, Gwaine wouldn't sound like this if it wasn't.

"When he feels a bit better,'' Arthur whispered back blankly. Merlin didn't believe for a second it was his death, he wasn't fighting in the battle. It was very unlikely. Couldn't be true, was not allowed to be true.

"He deserves to know, he's probably going to be furious that we didn't bring his body home,'' Gwaine whispered back to Arthur. Merlin completely froze. It couldn't be true.

"There were so many bodies, he couldn't carry them all. We did give them all a proper burial, ''Arthur whispered blankly. Merlin suddenly realized his hands were shaking, someone walked to him.

"Merlin,''Arthur said low after placing his hand on Merlin's shoulder kneeling behind him. Arthur moved his head so he saw Merlin's face.

"He's not dead,''Merlin whispered without bothering to look at Arthur.

"Who?,''Arthur whispered.

"Gaius,'' Merlin said firmly. Arthur took Merlin's arm and forced him to his feet.

"Gwaine please leave us alone,'' Arthur murmured without looking at him, he was busy looking at Merlin with worried eyes. Merlin soon heard Gwaine walk out of the tent. He found himself sitting on the bed soon after Gwaine had left.

"Look at me,'' Arthur told him firmly. Merlin just sat there, counting reasons why Gaius wasn't dead. They would have told him right away, they were his friends. He was pulled out of his thoughts when he felt Arthur stroking his hand. He pulled roughly out of the hold looking at Arthur with pure disgust.

"He is gone, I'm so sorry ,''Arthur murmured and Merlin just stared at him with a blank face. Then he looked away without saying anything for several seconds.

"I guess you need some help with cleaning here as you're a half wit, obviously you can't even dress yourself,'' Merlin murmured looking around the room.

"Gaius is gone,'' Arthur whispered and Merlin looked at him annoyed.

"If you don't need me now I'm gone,'' Merlin murmured and stood up and walked out of the tent. Arthur of course followed him. There was silence for couple of minutes as Arthur was simply following Merlin without saying anything. It didn't take Merlin that long to get enough. He turned around to look at Arthur.

"Does it look like I want you to follow me?,'' Merlin asked him angry and Arthur didn't answer him, just stared at him sadly.

"Go away,'' Merlin told him furious and Arthur just stood there.

"Fine, I'll just find a way to let you get eaten by something,'' Merlin murmured annoyed as he continued to walk. He heard Arthur follow him but didn't bother to give him any attention. It wasn't until couple of minutes later when Arthur took his arm. Merlin turned around angry.

"It's enough now, we should start heading back. It's getting dark,'' Arthur told him gently.

"Then go back,'' Merlin murmured angry as he tried to loosen Arthur's grip. Arthur just held him firmly by the arm and started walking back.

"Arthur please can you just leave me,'' Merlin murmured and Arthur looked at him after moving his grip to his wrist.

"It's not safe for you here all alone,'' Arthur told him firmly and Merlin shocked his head.

"I really can take care of myself so do you mind and stop being so annoying,'' Merlin murmured low and Arthur inhaled deeply.

"They will be worried if we don't head back,'' Arthur told him firmly and Merlin stopped walking.

"Yes then go back,'' Merlin told him angry and Arthur sighed and sat down pulling Merlin down with him.

"Fine let's stay the night,'' Arthur said low and Merlin stared at him.

"Go,'' Merlin said low and Arthur shocked his head firmly.

"Can you at least stop touching me,'' Merlin told him angry and Arthur loosened his grip off his wrist. Merlin moved behind a tree and sat down away from Arthur's sight. He heard Arthur follow to be near but he really didn't have any energy to yell at him to go away. He just sat there trying to empty his brain, hoping so dearly for sleep. It wasn't happening. The tears were trying to break free, reality was hitting him. He denied it by trying to think of anything else. He moved his back against the tree that was behind him and opened his eyes. It was indeed getting darker, he didn't mind it. Darkness would blur the world around him and maybe just maybe that would help him forget. It didn't do any help, now it hit him even harder when he closed his eyes. The memories were even clearer. He couldn't hold his tears back anymore. The fact that Arthur was close to him and probably heard him made everything worse if possible. He knew he would break down even more if Arthur would say something. There was only one thing he wanted to do, it was to go away, far away.

"Merlin no,'' Arthur told him firmly and took his arm a firm grip. Merlin had started to walk away.

"Don't touch me I said,'' Merlin told him angry.

"I'm so sorry,'' Arthur told him low and Merlin turned his head to see him. Arthur didn't release his grip.

"Why? , I'm just your servant. We are not even friends,'' Merlin told him coldly and Arthur shocked his head.

"Merlin you know that I think of you as a friend, you know that,'' Arthur told him firmly. His eyes looked so sad, Merlin couldn't help but notice.

"Who passed away in the battle ?,'' Merlin asked him low and Arthur bit his lip.

"Those who you knew were Rupert, Gerard and William,'' Arthur murmured low.

"Gaius is all right,'' Merlin murmured and Arthur shocked his head.

"Why didn't you say his name then? ,'' Merlin asked him angry and Arthur closed his eyes shortly.

"Because I already had. I'm sorry Merlin. He is gone,'' Arthur murmured blankly and Merlin shocked his head slightly not moving his eyes away from Arthur's face.

"Where is his body? ,''Merlin asked him coldly.

"They were so many so we decided to give them a burial there. I promise you we did our best,'' Arthur told him gently and Merlin looked at him in disgust.

"You can't be serious,'' Merlin told him low and Arthur inhaled deeply.

"I promise you we did our best. I'll take you there as soon as I've finished few things,'' Arthur told him gently.

"I don't want you to take me there. I never want to see you again,'' Merlin told him coldly and Arthur just stared at him.

"You should get some sleep,'' he shortly said and Merlin laid down making him release his grip. He curled up in a ball and closed his eyes. Soon he heard when Arthur sat down beside him and he closed his eyes firmer to deny tears.

"You also should cry,'' Arthur said gently.

"I thought you said no man was worth your tears,'' Merlin said coldly and he heard Arthur sigh.

"He was like a father to you,'' Arthur said low and Merlin bit his lip. Merlin felt his eyes leak but he made himself as quiet as he could. Only if Arthur wasn't sitting right next to him, he was sure he heard him. At least he was facing the other way. Arthur's hand stroked his cheek gently and Merlin's eyes flew open after being well startled.

"I told you to stop touching me,'' Merlin told him angry and Arthur moved his hand away without saying a word. For Merlin it felt like hours but it were really just couple of minutes when the dark kept getting heavier and suddenly it was as dark as It would be. Arthur was still sitting there quiet.

"Gwen is probably worried about you. You really should go back,'' Merlin told him low.

"She's not worried about me. I'm really handy with a sword if i'd need it,'' Arthur said low.

"Don't suffocate on your ego,'' Merlin said low.

"I'd hit you if things were different,'' Arthur told him low and Merlin couldn't help but smile a bit.

"Did you find it ?,'' Arthur asked him and Merlin opened his eyes very confused. What the heck was he even talking about?

"What ? ,'' Merlin murmured back.

"What Gaius sent you to look for,'' Arthur murmured.

"Oh no, I didn't,'' Merlin murmured low and Arthur stroked over Merlin's hair shortly.

"What were you doing for real? ,'' Arthur asked him. Merlin really didn't feel like talking so he just closed his eyes again. Gaius had had a good life, at least he had a good life. His chest hurt like hell from the loss, he still didn't really get it. It wouldn't feel real until he got back to Camelot. As he would see there was no Gaius to wake up with and eat breakfast with, no Gaius to talk to about things he could only tell Gaius. Now he was alone, all alone again. All alone with his secrets. At least Gaius was in a good place, he was in peace. This world could be so cruel; Gaius was free from that now. If there was some heaven, then Gaius would definitely go there.

"You'll tell me later. Just try to get some sleep,'' he heard Arthur murmur low. Merlin was very tired after everything that had happened. It felt so good not to think that he soon felt himself starting to drift away.

* * *

Gwaine had been sent to go after them by Gwen. To make sure everything was fine with them. He had lost their track when it got tpo dark but he decided to keep walking for a bit in the same direction they had headed before. As he was thinking about going back he saw someone on the ground. He slowly walked closer and soon was close enough to see it was Arthur lying on the ground facing him. Merlin lay in front of him and Arthur was simply just laying there looking at him sleeping. Just as he was going to make Arthur notice him he saw Arthur put his hand in Merlin's hair to stroke it. He waited and decided to look at him for a minute. There was no doubt in his mind that he shouldn't do this but he couldn't help it. Maybe he would see a proof that he was right about Arthur's feelings towards Merlin. His hand was moving lightly trough his hair as if he was afraid he would wake Merlin. He stayed there completely still in the dark, hoping Arthur wouldn't notice him. It was very weird that Arthur didn't, usually he would notice people spying before anyone else. Merlin was obviously distracting him a lot. After several seconds Arthur leaned in and gave him a light kiss on the forehead. Arthur waited with his face close to Merlin's for a bit and then gave him a light kiss on the lips. Gwaine had always thought Arthur had those feelings to him but when he saw this he couldn't help but be very shocked. He really didn't know how he would talk to Arthur after this and look like he didn't just see this. He wondered if Arthur had ever allowed himself to do something like this before. Arthur's fingers were touching Merlin's lips lightly, Gwaine wondered what would happen if Merlin would wake up. In fact he sometimes even thought Merlin had those feelings back but Merlin was always very hard to read so he couldn't be sure. Having feelings to the same gender was rare after all but maybe not as rare as many people thought, after all it was forbidden. Gwaine found it stupid, really it shouldn't even matter. Why would people care who people choose to love? He started moving back very slowly and soon walked and tried to be as loud as possible so Arthur would hear him. Arthur walked to him as he was almost there and Gwaine smiled to him.

"Gwen sent me here sire,'' he murmured.

"Would you know your way back? ,'' Arthur asked him and Gwaine lifted his shoulders a bit.

"I'm not sure, this wasn't really a straight ahead way, I'm pretty sure I just saw your tracks going in circles sometimes,'' Gwaine murmured and Arthur bit his lip.

"Oh well let's stay the night and go back when there is a chance,'' Arthur murmured as sat down close to Merlin. Gwaine followed and sat in front of Arthur.

"You can sleep, I'll keep watch,'' Arthur said low and Gwaine just looked at him curiously.

"How did it go ?,'' he asked him low and Arthur looked at him away from the distance.

"He's not in as much denial and he cried,'' Arthur said low and Gwaine gave a short nod.

"Do you know what he was doing ?,''Gwaine asked him and Arthur didn't even look at him this time. He just shocked his head shortly.

"Well I'll then try to get some sleep, let me know if you want me to keep watch sire,'' Gwaine murmured.

**_to be continued.._**

* * *

kenya1234: Thank you for the review !... well no he didn't find trouble this time, yeah.. this time..hehe...i've trouble written in my head that will probably be in the story so, you'll get your trouble. I really appreciate your reviews and yeah Merlin is very broken indeed but that only makes sense. It would be a bit odd if he would be screaming with happiness. That would just be creepy...

lyndaflpn: In my head Arthur always wanted to be this nice to Merlin but didn't know how and was afraid Merlin would realize his true feelings... hehe.. so now as he's started to show those feelings..hmm maybe he just won't be able to stop? thank you so much for the reviews!

LadyFromPoland: Thank you so much for the review! Merlin will be happy again, it just takes time to heal :)

turtlequeenx: It has to be this way. It has to be realistic. In fact i think he's strong, very strong. You need to put your self in his shoes. He had a horrible past that is crashing back to his memory and what has happened lately is horrible.. and the weight of the secrets. So yeah :) i promise you he will get better but it will take some time..because you want to read something and really believe it...or i do but thank you for the review! :)

if someone that has read my story before is reading this then sorry if you hated this... i can't please everyone so well i like the story line.. just not the grammar, it's probably horrible...buut a lot of more exciting things will happen.. and i know it because i've so many things that are written in my head..i'm almost 100% that next update won't take so long.. if anyone even noticed

_reviews make me very happy.. as long as you don't tell me i suck.. so if you think so **please** keep it to your self thanks. That would be awesome. I'm not suffocating with confidence like bradley does over his ass...have you even seen the picture of him touching his ass? oh right that was colin's fault.. sorry_


	7. An empty room

_**An empty room**_

_((warning for self harming))_

Gwaine woke up early and saw Arthur wide awake keeping watch. He sat up and Arthur looked at him.

"We should be heading back soon,'' Arthur murmured and Gwaine gave a nod. There was a question Gwaine came up with last night as he was trying to fall asleep. He had been thinking about everything that had been happening when he remembered a question Arthur had asked Merlin. It was about if he had been away with a lover. Gwaine hadn't really thought much about the fact that he called that person Merlin might be meeting ''he'', after all his mind had been busy with everything that had been happening.

"_I see every sign to it Merlin. Or is this a way of telling me that you went off when we were in war to meet your lover, so he could give you this horrible love bite?''_

Merlin couldn't have heard him because he didn't respond surprised at all. Gwaine also wondered if Arthur had even noticed what he said. It didn't make sense that Arthur heard because he didn't show any signs of being ashamed "Sire you mind if I ask you one question?,'' he heard himself murmur. Arthur looked at him.

"Has Merlin ever been with someone?,'' Gwaine asked him and Arthur stared at him.

"Why on earth are you asking me this?''Arthur murmured looking somewhat offended.

"No it's just, when we were trying to make him open up and it didn't work… well you said something about him being away with a lover and you said he not she ,''Gwaine explained. As he saw the look on Arthur's face he really regretted it. He looked very annoyed.

"I said he because 99% of people that rape are men… after all they are way more capable of doing it than women and that's how it has always been,'' Arthur told him annoyed.

"But you called that person a lover,'' Gwaine said slowly but shocked his head. ''Just forget it, I didn't say anything''

"I'd repeat what I said,'' Arthur said and Gwaine sighed.

"I'm sorry sire. I just found it odd and I was curious. You know me I've always had a hard time keeping my mouth shut,'' Gwaine smiled a bit but Arthur didn't repeat the smile. He just opened his mouth like he was going to say something but didn't say a word.

"I just thought you thought he was…,''Gwaine started murmuring but Arthur gave him an evil eye so he stopped. He really should shut up before Arthur would get seriously annoyed.

"I'm sorry sire,'' Gwaine told him firmly and Arthur just stood up to turn off the fire. He soon went on his knees and took a grip of Merlin's arm.

" Merlin we should head back,'' Arthur whispered shocking his arm.

Merlin woke up with Arthur but he didn't open his eyes. Why did reality have to exist, dream world was way better right now. Merlin had no longing to start the day.

"Merlin we need to start walking,'' Arthur told him very determined but Merlin just kept his eyes closed pretending he didn't hear him.

"If you don't stand up I'll hold you back like a little child,'' Gwaine said loudly. He hoped very dearly they would just leave him there but he really doubted that.

"I know you are listening to me, get up,'' Arthur told him firmly but Merlin once again didn't answer him. Arthur soon took in his hands and dragged him up on his feet's forcing him to stand up. Merlin let him release his hands and just started walking before them without saying anything. He knew he couldn't run away from them without using his magic and that wasn't something he was willing to do. He just kept walking by following their tracks as much as he could without saying a word. Gwaine and Arthur followed him in silence. He was so thankful they didn't talk to him. As they were almost in the camp Merlin stopped.

"We are not there yet,'' Arthur told him and Merlin looked at him for the first time that day. Arthur looked very annoyed. What was even his problem?

"Keep on walking,'' Arthur told him very seriously.

"I'll stay with him, just go,'' Gwaine told him and Arthur kept on going. Merlin sat down and Gwaine followed him.

"Please can we just sneak and get some food. I get that you don't want to talk to anyone,'' Gwaine said. Merlin gave in and let Gwaine lead him into the tent. He wasn't in a mood to talk to anyone. Well he would be if Gaius was there but then again that was one of the reasons why he didn't feel like talking. He sat there in silence and he didn't even taste the food Gwaine placed in front of him. After an hour or so he heard people packing things together.

"I need to take the tent down Merlin,'' Gwaine murmured. Merlin used the chance to go away from the tents and sit behind a tree. It didn't take long until he heard someone walking to him.

"Merlin I never said you could go,'' Arthur told him angry making him look up at him. Merlin stood up.

"I'm sorry should I take your tent down?,'' Merlin asked him and Arthur just stared at him and took his arm so he would start walking with him. There is a horse ready for you,'' Arthur said and Merlin stopped quickly.

"No,'' Merlin murmured and Arthur looked at him.

"I'll give you a jacket that hides them,'' Arthur murmured and Merlin looked at him.

"Hides what? ,'' Merlin murmured low and Arthur just made him walk again still holding his arm. Arthur took a jacket off the horse and handed Merlin it that just stared at Arthur.

"Go in it, it hides the bruises on the side of your neck,'' Arthur said and Merlin went quickly in it as Leon walked by. It was a fine red jacket with a rather high collar, one of Merlin's personal favorite from Arthur's closet. He didn't find the will to complain about getting his jacket, it smelt faintly of Arthur and it hid the evidence of the abuse. Merlin wasn't sure but maybe his mouth curled up in a tiny little smile.

* * *

They rode until it started getting a bit dark, they had taken brief pauses in the day but Merlin had kept quiet and tried to be as far away from everyone as he could. Merlin hadn't said a word or even looked at anyone all day. The want to be alone was only increasing. He knew many of them often looked at him; after all he wasn't use to being so quiet. He was known for talking too much on times.

Merlin jumped down off his horse. The horse-riding had hurt after the abuse. He kind of liked it because he helped him keep his mind away from Gaius. He took care of his horse and then headed to help Arthur take his bags.

"Merlin stop,'' Arthur murmured but Merlin didn't listen to him and kept releasing the bags from the horse.

"Merlin you don't need to do this, there are other servants that can,'' Gwen told him gently but Merlin just walked away. Two servants helped him place the tent up and after it was up he just sat down behind it away from everyone. He knew Gwaine had been watching him and he soon sat beside him without saying anything. Merlin had no idea how long they sat there. A servant named Eric handed them food. Merlin couldn't bring himself to say thank you. He didn't even eat until Gwaine murmured something about him having to eat or drop down dead by the cause of starving himself. He only ate few bites slowly to guarantee silence and thankfully for Merlin Gwaine did shut up. It wasn't until few hours later when Gwaine stood up obviously half asleep.

"Let's get some sleep,''Gwaine murmured and Merlin looked up on a hand he was being offered. He didn't take it nor answered Gwaine, he simply just fixed his eyes on the ground again.

"It looks like it's going to rain,'' Gwaine told him and Merlin didn't answer him.

"Fine ...but you can come to my tent if you want,'' Gwaine murmured and Merlin didn't even look up until Gwaine had left. He looked around and saw two knights he barely knew watching him close by. Arthur must have told them to keep an eye on him over the night. Damn Arthur for knowing that he wanted nothing else but disappear into the night. Merlin was still wearing Arthur's jacket. He couldn't feel ashamed about sniffing his jacket. The faint smell of Arthur was lovely, maybe too lovely. He lay down on the cold ground and curled himself up on his side. It didn't take long for it to start raining heavily and he really didn't mind it that much. It kind of felt alright, even good. He was soaked after few moments but he didn't want to go into Gwaine's tent, he wanted to be alone. It was okay as he felt himself beginning to freeze; it made the pain in his chest slightly less painful.

* * *

Merlin woke up when it was still rather dark. He was really surprised he even managed to get some sleep. He sat slowly up looking around himself. If Merlin was right then the people wouldn't be getting up for another two hours. The knights were still there close by watching him. He laid down again and turned on his side so he could sneakily keep a watch on them. It wouldn't hurt to try to get away, it's not like Arthur wouldn't survive a day without him. Merlin knew very well he'd be angry to the knights but he would never harm them seriously, maybe keep them in the stocks for some time. It was really hard to care about that right now. They looked tired, or so it seemed as Merlin sneaked glances at them without opening his eyes fully. He sneaked away when he got a chance. His running away was caught short as he saw Arthur walking in the direction towards him. "And what exactly do you think you are doing? ,''he murmured. Since when does Arthur take walks this early in the morning?! Merlin couldn't help but wonder what on earth made Arthur wake up this early for a walk. It didn't seem to make sense.

Arthur looked very annoyed, if not angry. Merlin looked to the ground not wanting to see Arthur's face.

"Did you sleep outside?,''Arthur murmured after looking at how wet Merlin's looked. Merlin didn't answer him just turned around to head back. He heard them follow but he didn't even bother acting like they were there too.

The ride home seemed much longer then it was. Merlin even started feeling his stomach scream, he had denied food but he regretted it now. Soon after midday they were riding into Camelot. Merlin hurried to take care of his horse so he could disappear from the crowd. He really was in no mood to do his job right now and he hoped Arthur would understand that. Thankfully he managed to go quickly enough without anyone seeing him leave. He locked himself inside his bedroom after grapping a bite. There were knocks on the door several times as the hours went by but he didn't hear any voice, the fact that he held over his ears might be the reason. The night was long but he managed to drift away as the morning sun was rising up.

* * *

There was a loud noise and Merlin sat quickly up very startled. Arthur was standing there after somehow breaking up the door that way lying on the floor.

"What are you doing?,'' Merlin asked him angry.

"What do you think I'm doing.. you haven't answered anyone that is knocking at your door, I was checking if you were alright,'' Arthur told him firmly staring at Merlin like he'd never seen him before.

"I was fine until you woke me you brat,'' Merlin told him angry.

"That's not how you address your king,'' Arthur told him angry and Merlin gave a laugh and lay down again. It was better to try to ignore Arthur, he felt magic burning inside of him. He was emotionally unbalanced and from the past he had long learnt that it made his magic be unbalanced too. It was way harder to control it. He simply curled up in a ball under his blanket and closed his eyes.

"You can take as many days off as you want but I'd like if we'd do something together today,'' Arthur told him suddenly sounding very gentle. That weird gentle Arthur, Merlin couldn't say he hated this side of Arthur.

"I'm sleeping go away,'' Merlin whispered facing the way from Arthur.

"I'll be here after dinner. I'll break another door if I need to,'' Arthur murmured and with that he left. Merlin felt tears form in his eyes but he kept them closed. He knew those who did this to him were already in the dungeon. There was no way Arthur had made them free. Merlin had never seen them but he knew Arthur had probably made sure of that and for that he was truly thankful to Arthur.

The fact that more lives were going to taken because of him made him want to throw up. Way too many lives have been taken in the battle and they must have learnt their lesson after being thrown into the dungeon waiting to being hanged. Merlin knew one thing for sure, he was going to sneak into the dungeon and save them with his magic. Of course everyone would think they had done it not him. After everything that has happened and still nobody suspecting Merlin to have magic, well it wouldn't happen now. It didn't make sense.

After all this time sneaking around it wasn't hard to get there unseen. He wasn't said to be the most powerful sorcerer for nothing. As he had helped them all the way out of Camelot and then he went right away back home. They had stared dumbfounded at him but still said nothing.

"Merlin?" Arthur voice said loudly and Merlin almost jumped in surprise. He hadn't expected Arthur to be there, not yet at least. Arthur was sitting at one of the table chairs looking very serious. He stood up and walked towards Merlin and stopped right in front of him.

"Did I mention you could go outside?,'' Arthur murmured slowly as Merlin was a half wit.

Merlin rolled his eyes. "Do you usually?,'' Merlin asked him. He was really confused of how annoyed Arthur seemed to be by this.

"There are guards watching the outside door how the hell could you walk right past them? ,'' Arthur asked him with wide eyes. Merlin lifted his shoulders fixing his eyes off Arthur not wanting to seem keen on conversation.

Arthur sat back on the chair by the table. "I brought you food. You obviously couldn't feed yourself. Or so I assume,'' Arthur murmured like he was tired. Merlin sat in front of him although he wanted nothing more but to be alone.

"Merlin you are eating with your hands,'' Arthur told him clearly not pleased. ''Are you completely usless? Get yourself a fork". Merlin looked away from his chicken.

"Good to have you back,'' he told him back. Arthur clearly couldn't help but smile.

"I don't want to feed your ego too much,'' Arthur told him as he stood up looking around for a fork.

"Here you go, hope you remember how to use it,'' Arthur told him smiling a bit while he handed Merlin the fork.

Merlin looked up. "What exactly have you said to feed my ego?,'' Merlin asked him and Arthur lifted his eyebrows without answering him. Merlin just poked his food for a couple of minutes without looking at Arthur.

"If you are not going to eat that I might as well eat it,'' Arthur told him and Merlin took the plate and walked with it into his bedroom and sat down on his bed. Arthur followed.

"I'd really appreciate if you left me alone. First of all I don't even understand why you are here but please don't answer me just go. I just want to sleep,'' Merlin told him low.

"You were sleeping today,'' Arthur told him shortly looking at him by the door.

"Yes because I didn't really sleep last night. Please just leave me alone,'' Merlin murmured so low that it sounded more like it was to himself than Arthur. He didn't even look at him.

"Some little random bird from nowhere told me that you liked chess,'' Arthur said after he sat down beside him on the bed. Merlin didn't respond leading to a silence for few minutes. Damn those couple of minutes felt like 1000 years to Merlin. He could feel Arthur stare at him now and then. It really bothered him but he didn't dare to say anything, he didn't fancy talking.

"We can just play chess and I promise I won't talk to you at all,'' he murmured low like reading his mind. With that Merlin looked at him and apparently Arthur took that as a yes and started wandering around.

"Where is it?'' Arthur asked Merlin that had followed him.

"That's called talking Arthur,'' Merlin told him annoyed and Arthur sighed.

"Well I meant about what happened but I'll shut up because now it's not the time to kick your ugly ass into the stocks,'' he said. Merlin just rolled his eyes and placed the game on the table once he had found everything.

Once the game was ready Arthur had to talk. "You really should finish your food as we play,'' he told him and Merlin looked up from the game without making the first move.

"Are you on something or are you just naturally really stupid?,'' Merlin asked him very annoyed and Arthur rolled his eyes.

"You really should cherish this now because you'll never be able to treat me like this ever again,'' he told him and Merlin lifted his eyebrows.

"Right… you're the one that can treat me like the dirt under your shoes all the time. I forgot,'' he responded back coldly. "Sire'' Merlin added sounding very ironic.

Arthur stared at him for a couple of seconds'' just make your move,'' Arthur told him low. Arthur didn't say a word the whole game. Merlin knew Arthur was looking at him way more than he liked but he never fixed his eyes on his.

Arthur had murmured good night before he left but Merlin didn't respond nor did he look at him. He simply just went back to bed as soon as he could. There was no way to relax. He couldn't shut down the anger he felt towards himself and the increasing pain in his chest made everything worse. If only had been there for Gaius and saved him or at least been there with him as he drew his last breath. He couldn't help but feel guilty for not being there for him. Gaius had always been there for Merlin and this one time when Gaius needed Merlin the most he had failed. He cut his arms and wrists. It stung but it made him be more focuses on the newly born pain. He could relax for several moments but then it didn't work anymore. The pain inside of him was too much to bear for those little cuts. He let himself cry as long as he could and hoped it would wash some of the pain away. He fell slowly asleep curled up in his bed.

* * *

if anyone is wondering why Arthur seems angry on times... it's many reasons and i think someone might know the main reason... yes?

LadyFromPoland- thank you for the review, you're really amazing. Hope you'll find this chapter okay.

p.s. Arthur found out about the (vomit) rapists disappearing after he had left Merlin. Once the guards found out they started looking right away... so Arthur wasn't told right away nor did they find out right away.. no idea if i saying this was important or not.

Half of next chapter is already written so i guess it will be up soon. Something exciting has happened in my head too so... well.. at least for me.


	8. Actions speak louder than words

**Actions speak louder than words**

He was startled finding Arthur sitting by his bedside. It was a good thing he was completely under the covers because he clearly hadn't changed the bedcovers that were definitely somehow covered in blood.

"I locked,'' Merlin snapped at him feeling very offended.

Merlin knew he had made sure he locked the front door at least 5 times."Why are you doing this? ,'' He asked. As much as he liked this new gentle Arthur it baffled him." Arthur I'm your servant. I'm not your friend,' 'he explained. Arthur sighed.

"The physician arrived yesterday,'' Arthur told him and Merlin panicked. "He's on his way now"

"NO! ,'' Merlin shouted at him angry.

Arthur made an annoyed sound." Don't worry we'll leave you alone with him. If that is what you want,'' Merlin sat slowly up making sure that his hands were under the cover. He couldn't look at Arthur.

"Of course that is what I want!,'' Merlin told him massively offended. Arthur lifted his hands in defeat. There was silence until Gwaine arrived with the new physician. Merlin almost hoped the earth could eat him up. He was so anxious of them finding out about his cutting. As much as he was terrified of them knowing he couldn't bring himself to do magic, not now when he was the center of the attention.

Gwaine soon arrived with the physician and gave Merlin a sad smile. It didn't take long until he was all alone with him. This man looked like a nice man and offered him a kind smile. He reminded him a bit of Gaius. Merlin cursed himself loudly for letting himself think that. He really didn't need to cry in front of more people and besides this man didn't even have grey hair yet. Nothing alike him, really. Just that stupid kind smile, he didn't even want to look at his face anymore.

The Physician sat on the chair beside his bed "You need to take your shirt off,'' He announced.

Merlin shocked his head. "I can't afford this,'' Merlin blurt out. This man with the stupid smile didn't go just offered him another stupid smile.

"I understand you don't want to see the evidence but I need to check if there and infections or anything of that sort,'' he explained to Merlin.

"I've checked. Gaius taught me a lot of things and I know there is nothing wrong with me other than bruises. I even have many things to place on it so please just go,'' Merlin told him angry. The physician stared at him looking rather upset." I don't need your help, I never asked for it" He finished.

"Well… I'm not going to force you into treatment,'' he said and headed back. Merlin went under the blanket and closed the cuts as he could. He whispered the words as often as he could as he felt the wounds closing in his hands. It stung a bit but it was alright.

"Merlin,'' Arthur said bitterly. Merlin was startled when he forced him to stand up by grapping his arm a firm grip. "Is that blood? "

Arthur was looking at the bed covers. "I have wounds you idiot,'' Merlin snapped at him and Arthur released his arm.

"You're going to let him check if there are any infections,'' Arthur told him. Merlin gave a laugh.

"I would know that you stupid brat,'' Merlin told him angry and Arthur lifted his eyebrows. "I'm not completely useless you know''

"I'll make sure you will,'' Arthur told him angrily. Merlin stared him more hurt than ever. He knew he had to calm down not only because he didn't want to look like a fool but he knew his magic might burst out if he didn't try to hold his emotions in some control.

"Merlin,'' Arthur said gripping his arm firmly to avoid him running away. Merlin wasn't doing well fighting tears.

"Please just trust me, I don't have any infections,'' Merlin told him low and Arthur stared at him blankly for a long time, or so it felt for Merlin.

"I believe you,'' Arthur murmured with a hint of grief in his voice. Merlin wiped his tears quickly with his free hand; he didn't want to cry like this, not now. "You must have learnt something from Gaius"

Merlin looked at Arthur shortly before returning to his bed. He still faintly felt the grip Arthur had had on him, it almost made him want to be around people. The voices of Arthur and Gwaine were heard for a long time, he didn't bother listening. As soon as he heard the front door close he opened his eyes quickly. He made himself food even though he wanted nothing more but to sit down and stare at the floor. His stomach had been growling for a long time now, he really had to eat. He spent the day reading, was there a better way of escaping the pain of reality? Not any way Merlin knew of.

There had been couple of hours of him reading now. Merlin was completely sure it was a horrible smell of him so he decided he had to take a bath. He realized that he would have to fetch water and therefore go outside. Second thoughts came right away. Merlin decided to go after he convinced himself that most people were eating dinner right now, so he probably wouldn't meet many people, well if he didn't count the guards that were probably stalking him thanks to Arthur.

As he was in bath he had noticed the horrible state of his body. He knew had to find something to place on it, specially the cuts just in case so he wouldn't get infections. He cleaned himself as well as he could, there was indeed even more blood on his body then he thought there would be. Sadly the blood covering is body wasn't only after the rapists. He knew he shouldn't harm himself this way.

There was a knock on the door."Merlin,'' Arthur voice called. Merlin had very recently stood up from the bath. As the realized Arthur was going to open the door he hurried to lie down in the bed. Merlin quickly made sure his covers hid everything they had to hide. Arthur of course had to open the door and storm in. He soon heard the chair beside his bed move slightly and then the sound of Arthur sitting down. It was best to act like he was sleeping.

"The bathtub looked bloody,'' He heard Arthur say. There was silence for a couple of minutes.

"I know you are awake. Your face kind of ruins everything you should had hid it with the covers,'' Arthur whispered. Merlin felt very uncomfortable being naked under the covers even though Arthur didn't see anything. Not that he thought Arthur would care but it somehow made the rapes look slightly more recent.

Arthur's chair made a squeaky sound "I brought you food but I guess its cold. You can only blame yourself because you had to pretend you were asleep,'' He explained. Merlin opened his eyes and moved his head to see Arthur better. He was holding the book Merlin had been reading.

"Who said you can look at what I was reading you stupid clotpole,' 'Merlin told him grumpily while Arthur was simply smiling looking at the book.

"It's a children's book,'' Arthur smiled. Merlin lifted his eyebrows "You know I really don't care"

He placed it on the floor after reading a bit from it. "Thank you for keeping my jacket as a mat. That's very kind of you,'' Arthur told him low staring at the mess on the floor. "I can't say it suits your floor. Not that my jacket is anywhere close to being fine your floor simply looks like shit,'' He mocked. If the circumstances were different there would be no doubt that Merlin would indeed talk back.

"Arthur I'm sorry how rude I have been but can you just go? ,'' Merlin begged him, first now watching Arthur for more than a second. He kept his eyes locked with his.

"You are still very rude ,'' He teased back.

"Really? Thank you but please can you just go, I can't be around anyone right now,'' Merlin whispered in earnest.

"It seems to me you can. I'm not dead nor you. Or I think so,'' Arthur responded with a grin that looked maybe a bit too forced. Merlin didn't' find the will to answer back. He watched as Arthur suddenly stood up and left the room. As he came back he held a thick brown blanket. Merlin knew it was Arthur's favorite blanket and couldn't help but smile when he felt it being placed on top of him. Merlin lay in the silence for a long time very close to being asleep. He was surprised when he noticed Arthur still sitting on the chair beside his bed watching him closely.

He was so thankful to Arthur for being there for him, he really was."Thank you,'' he heard himself whisper low. He saw Arthur's lips twitch into a little smile.

"I haven't done anything,'' Arthur whispered to him and Merlin smiled a bit. He couldn't help himself from smiling, for Arthur to say he hadn't done anything was just too sweet because in truth he had helped Merlin a lot. Just being there meant a lot to Merlin.

Arthur looked away from him to his hands and Merlin followed his eyes."Arthur stop reading my book,'' He snapped. Arthur chuckled a bit but didn't hand Merlin the book even though he was clearly giving him a sign to do so.

He then laid the book on the floor and fixed his eyes on Merlin's again. '' What were you really doing Merlin? ,'' He asked him seriously and Merlin closed his eyes. He couldn't tell him yet. He had to wait until he wasn't so fragile. Arthur was definitely going to be angry and Merlin couldn't handle that right now. He knew he had to, very soon. Now as Morgana knew it was only a matter of time until Arthur would somehow find out.

He opened his eyes '' Arthur I'll tell but please I can't right now. Not yet,'' Merlin explained. Arthur looked very confused.

"Please don't ask me again. I promise I'll tell you. Just not yet,'' Merlin added and Arthur gave a little nod.

"I didn't want to leave you,'' Merlin whispered.

Arthur gave him a smile. " I know Merlin. You've always been by my side,'' he answered still smiling a bit. "Get some sleep" Merlin closed his eyes away from Arthur's gentle eyes. He didn't even mind asking him why he still sat there.

* * *

"Gwaine,'' Merlin almost shouted. He had woken up with water dripping on his face. Gwaine obviously had to laugh wildly. Merlin realized he was still naked under the covers. He regretted not waking up in the middle of night to dress only because he really wanted to stand up and hit him firmly in the head. Gwaine simple seemed amused of how angry Merlin was and gave him a stupid grin.

"Arthur told me to look after you today,'' Gwaine explained and Merlin could only lift his eyebrows slowly. "He barely leaves your side. Did you know he comes every single morning when you are still asleep right after the training? "

Merlin gave a laugh. "Why would you know that? ,'' He answered.

Gwaine rolled his eyes. "I see where he's going. We most often walk together,'' He explained smiling. "Why does he have a spare key anyway? ,''Gwaine added chuckling. Merlin decided to ignore this but in fact he didn't even know why Arthur had a spare key or where he had gotten one.

"You might almost think he's in love with you,'' Gwaine chuckled and Merlin fixed his eyes on Gwaine's clearly not believing what he just heard. Gwaine only offered him another smile as Merlin watched Gwaine in clear confusion. "You heard what I said,'' he stated watching the clear confusion across Merlin's face.

"I'm pretty sure I'm a man not a woman and I think you know too,'' Merlin murmured, trying maybe too desperately to sound disgusted. The answer seemed to take Gwaine by a surprise.

"Are you drunk?,'' Merlin asked him trying to sound as offended as possible. Merlin was a bit amazed of how well he was hiding how embarrassed he really was.

Gwaine simply stood up from the chair he had been sitting on. "Are you honestly telling me that you didn't know there were people that are attracted to the same gender?''

Merlin had been sure this conversation wouldn't screech so far so it took him several moments to find an answer that made sense." If anyone would be like that it wouldn't be him and besides he's married and the most important thing is that even if he would be like that I would be his last choice on this earth,'' Merlin told him firmly. He was so surprised how well he was handling this, as far as Merlin knew he made no sign of revealing that he was indeed attracted to the same gender and not only the same gender but Arthur.

"Well I'll let you dress now,'' Gwaine murmured before heading outside his bedroom.

Merlin spent the whole day with Gwaine. He couldn't stop thinking about the fact that Arthur had even been with him while he was sleeping. It really didn't make sense to him for a long time. He knew they were friends but Arthur was really going farther then he'd ever think he'd go. The only solution Merlin could come up with was that Arthur really thought that he was suicidal. What else would make him sit at his bedside even when he was sleeping?

"You know Arthur is really worried about you,'' Gwaine told him low as they were sitting by Gaius's old dinner table. This really sounded like an answer of the question Merlin had in his mind. Arthur really must think he's suicidal. "Did he say so?,'' He asked only to say something.

"Of course he didn't say so. That would be so out of character,'' Gwaine smiled and Merlin fixed his eyes on his. He was thankful to Gwaine for trying to make him feel better but he really hoped he'd leave him soon. He had spent all day trying to hide from people as Gwaine forced him to walk here and there. They had met Leon shortly but that was it. Merlin knew he really had to stop hiding from people or he'd end up a maniac that was afraid of human communication.

"I'm on my way. I hope I didn't annoy you too much,'' Gwaine murmured.

"In fact you really did. You really should be happy that I managed to stop myself from beheading you,'' He answered. Gwaine gave a laugh.

"Gwaine,'' Merlin said loudly right before he closed the door. Gwaine turned around. '' Thank you,''He finished.

Gwaine gave him a little smile. "Take care Merlin,'' He answered.

* * *

There was no doubt in Merlin's mind as he woke early in the morning that he really should start heading to work again. After all Arthur thought he was going to kill himself, or so it seemed. He decided that he should try to act like he was way better than before. He didn't want to worry Arthur or anyone else.

"George I'll be taking over today,'' Merlin murmured as he met the servant outside Arthur's door.

"The king said you wouldn't be around for at least couple of days more,'' George murmured holding the kings and the queen's breakfast. Merlin gave him a little too forced smile. "I am here now,'' He told him before taking the breakfast he was holding.

"Thank you, I even forgot to get the food,'' Merlin murmured sounding more tired than he actually was. George stared at him for couple of seconds before heading down the hall.

Merlin knocked at the door with his feet. Before he could open the door it was opened by Gwen that smiled as she saw Merlin. "Merlin since when have you learnt to knock,'' She smiled and Merlin forced a smile as she stepped aside so he could come in. She was obviously just trying to lighten his mood because ever since Arthur and she got married he had always knocked, unless he knew Arthur was alone. Merlin put the food on the table in front of Arthur that sat there.

"What needs to be done sire?,'' Merlin asked with a forced smile stuck on his face. Arthur fixed his eyes to Merlin's. "Few clothes need washing. I suppose that's it. George has been too desperate to prove himself,'' Arthur told him low. Merlin gathered the clothes and hurried to the door.

"Merlin,'' Arthur said making him turn around. " Come back when you are done. It's a council meeting at the round table. I want you to be there,'' He finished and Merlin gave a nod and with that was gone.

The council meeting turned out to be a nightmare. They had sat there for at least an hour trying to prepare a battle that was without doubt going to come but when they didn't know. Mordred had convinced everybody that a person with magic could be the only one to have a chance at defeating Morgana. It had taken a while but most of them seemed to agree now even though many didn't look that happy about it.

"We should find the one that helped us. That's our only chance, she has grown even more powerful if I'm right,'' Arthur murmured firmly and Merlin bit his own lip as he stood behind Arthur.

"Merlin you don't happen to know where he lives,'' Mordred asked him intensely. Merlin felt the urge to punch him in the face; the looks Mordred had been giving him all the council had been enough. Arthur would not find out this way, he wasn't going to let it happen. Merlin looked at Arthur that had just turned around to see him.

"Why would I know that? ,'' Merlin murmured slowly and Arthur gave him a little smile and pointed a finger on him. "Gaius knew where to find him once,'' he explained. Merlin gave a little nod." Did he ever mention him again?,'' Arthur asked looking maybe too hopeful. Even though Merlin was panicking he couldn't help but feel angry with himself having to disappoint Arthur. "No, we never talked about him again,'' He answered and Arthur frowned quickly and turned in his seat.

"We'll search for him as soon as possible. Mordred is probably right, he's our only chance,'' Arthur told the people.

As he finished bringing the king and the queen their food he was dismissed. He really had to prepare how the hell he was going to tell Arthur about his magic. It felt like his biggest nightmare was coming slowly alive, he was so scared of his reaction. The hurt and betrayal he knew Arthur would feel. The only thing he wanted to do was drink endless alcohol and hope it would lead him into having fun not crying like a baby, but sadly he doubted it would even work. It couldn't hurt trying?

It didn't take him long to find himself at a tavern neither did it take Gwaine long to spot him. Merlin was seriously considering if Gwaine spent a night out of the tavern. Gwaine soon handed Merlin a big glass full of beer grinning stupidly at him.

"Drink it, it's good for you,'' Gwaine told him smiling. Merlin also sometimes considered if Gwaine was from the same planet as everyone else. It really didn't make any sense that drinking would be good for you unless you had to put something into yourself to be sure you would puke something poisoned out. It's not like anyone drinks one beer at the tavern. He watched Gwaine play all kinds of drinking games that involved betting money.

Merlin really didn't know how many he drank but he was sure it took a lot of effort to walk in a straight line. At least he wasn't crying, he wasn't really fancying crying like a baby in front of more people. All he had to do now was trying to walk home without killing himself. As easy as it sounded it wasn't. It took him at least couple of more minutes before he was close to the castle.

"Watch where you are going,'' a really annoyed voice said loudly. Merlin opened his closed eyes; it obviously hadn't been a good idea closing them, even for this brief second. He met Rupert's angry face. He was a rather new knight, fairly Merlin had to admit. His fighting skills were very good.

"I'm sorry,'' Merlin murmured back.

"Go on your knees you stupid peasant and say it like you mean it,'' Rupert told him sounding a bit furious. That idiot clearly had an anger issue. It's not like Merlin did this on purpose even though right now he really wanted it. Not wanting to open his big mouth he decided to walk away. Maybe that wasn't the best idea; this seemed to anger Rupert further. He ripped his shirt by the collar and slammed him to the castle wall looking infuriated. Merlin couldn't help the panic the rose inside of him.

"Say you're sorry you filthy peasant, say it like you mean it,'' He said softly, staring so hard at him that Merlin almost thought he could read his thoughts. After all his thoughts were shouting at him not to use magic, to stay in control. It took all Merlin's strength to hold calm as Rupert leaned to his ear. "You worthless stupid peasant, give me a reason not to end your life right now"

"Because you'll be hanged you half wit,'' Merlin told him firmly denying his feelings only for a while. He couldn't let him walk all over him. Rupert looked at Merlin with a smile. Merlin couldn't help but stare right back at him. Rupert really did look like a wild animal haunting his pray. The grin on his face didn't look very human.

"I'm not that stupid sweetheart. I know how to cover my tracks. You want to pay for it now that you actually let your dirty mouth call me a half with or do you want to do it later,'' Rupert asked him softly. "Let's hope I don't beat you too bad because I'm sure they are already waiting for you in hell,'' He finished smiling.

Merlin had to give a laugh. "I thought I was already in hell or so it feels like being close to you,'' He answered. Rupert didn't even look angered by this but still he punched Merlin firmly in the face. Well at least he didn't break his nose, not yet at the very least. Merlin had whimpered in surprise and pain, it had hurt but it really didn't hurt as bad as he would think it should hurt. The alcohol must have something to do with it. Like reading Merlin's thoughts he gave Merlin another one right on the same spot. Now it clearly hurt, he felt dizzy. Rupert pushed him to the ground roughly and straddled him. He wasn't long taking a hold of Merlin's neck. Merlin had jerked and tried to push him away but soon had to stop himself. He couldn't risk his magic bursting out.

"I'll consider stopping if you beg me,'' Rupert smiled down at him. That man was obviously completely mad because he clearly did enjoy this. He was watching him now as he laughed softly. God if only Arthur knew what kind of a man he had made a knight.

Rupert took out a knife very slowly with his free hand, obviously trying to make this as frightening for Merlin as possible. Merlin didn't fight; he really didn't care that much if he would hurt him a bit more. Maybe he even deserved it and besides he didn't want to satisfy him in the way he knew he wanted. Rupert placed the knife on Merlin's neck slowly as he watched Merlin closely, clearly looking for signs of him being afraid. Merlin couldn't give him that satisfaction, he didn't deserve it. He had to whimper when he cut the side of Merlin's neck quickly. It wasn't deep; by the looks of it, Rupert wanted this to last for a long time. After all it was very late in the night and Rupert had enough time. It was so dark that even though people would be around they would have to walk pretty close to see what was really going on.

Rupert suddenly moved away from him and stood up to stand beside him. It took Merlin several seconds to realize there were footsteps that had lead him to moving away. Merlin stood up quickly using his chance to get away from Rupert. Before Merlin could get away he saw Arthur walking out of the castle.

"Sire what are you doing here so late,'' Rupert murmured smiling politely to Arthur. Merlin couldn't help but watch Rupert in pure disgust. He was going to tell Arthur what kind of a knight Rupert was. He wasn't exactly going to tell him what happened to him but something similar. Maybe make up a story of something he saw, just to prove his point. Arthur didn't even pay Rupert any attention. He walked closer to Merlin with a confused expression on his face that turned into anger.

"Who did that to you? ,'' He demanded to know as he placed his hand on Merlin's neck to stop the bleeding.

"I fell,'' Merlin said shortly, looking away from Arthur to the spot Rupert had been on. He was gone.

Arthur took Merlin's hand and forced him to hold over it himself so he could rip a part of his shirt off.

"Now I need to mend it you….,'' Merlin told him angry. He couldn't find the fitting word, he was too tired. Arthur handed him the shirt and Merlin held firmly on his cut. He followed Arthur as he lead him to his bedroom to sit down on his bed. Amazingly Merlin was able to walk on his own.

"Wait here I'm going to get the physician,'' Arthur told him.

It was only a couple of minutes later when they arrived back. He stitched the little cut so it would heal faster after he had cleaned it. Merlin didn't say a word. After Arthur had brought the physician he disappeared, or so it seemed. Merlin wasn't sure if he was still close by or not.

He couldn't help but jerk when Arthur walked into the bedroom couple of minutes after the physician had left. He really thought he had been gone by now.

Arthur sat down beside him on the bed and looked at him enduringly „Who did this ? ,'' Arthur wanted to know. Merlin would never admit but in truth he was really struggling not to hug Arthur. He sometimes wondered if Gwen really knew how lucky she was. Merlin was very thankful to her for making him happy, that's really all that mattered. Not that he would deny that he sometimes wished he could change bodies with Gwen. Then he obviously would be a girl and not only that but the girl Arthur happens to be in love with. He'd just try his best to pretend he had her personality, if that made any sense. If only for a day, he really wanted to know how it felt to be Gwen. If Merlin had to be completely honest with himself, then he didn't want it only for a day. It would never happen and Merlin was okay with that, or more like as much as he possible could. Gwen made him happy and that was all that mattered, on top of that Gwen was a very sweet girl and she deserved Arthur. The fact that Gaius had recently passed away just made him so lonely, it made him want Arthur more.

"Merlin,'' Arthur said low. Merlin fixed his eyes on his. "I don't really know what happened. I'm drunk,'' Merlin lied. Or at least half of it was a lie.

Arthur didn't look convinced „Was it Rupert? ''He asked. Merlin was way too tired for this.

"Merlin I'm not going to wait any longer, you tell me now what happened few days ago and what happened now,'' Arthur told him calmly.

Merlin had to look at him. "It doesn't matter and most of all to you. Mind your own business,'' He answered annoyed.

"If it wouldn't matter to me I wouldn't had asked you this in the first place Merlin,'' Arthur told him firmly. He seemed a bit annoyed. "Tell me. You need to let it out," He ordered.

"No thank you,'' Merlin murmured uninterested. If only he'd leave.

"I wasn't asking you. You'll command your king,'' Arthur said firmly. He moved slightly closer to him. "Gaius would had wanted you to open up,'' He finished. Merlin looked at him furious.

"Why are you even asking me this?,'' Merlin replied irritated. "it's not like you even care,'' He finished coldly. He didn't want to think about the fact Gaius was gone, not now.

"Don't play a half wit now Merlin. If I wouldn't care I wouldn't had asked,'' He explained. Merlin didn't answer him and stood up to hurry away. He had a bit of trouble with his balance but still was able to walk out of his bedroom. Arthur clearly had other ideas and followed him. As soon as Arthur could grasp him he did. He took his arm and dragged him back to sit on his bed.

Arthur moved his grip on Merlin's lower arm watching him closely. "I know you are not stupid Merlin. It's not going to get easier if you wait,'' He said smoothly. The touch was so distracting that Merlin had a very hard time understanding what he was saying.

"What did they do to you? ,''Arthur asked him low.

Merlin fixed his eyes on his."Nothing I didn't deserve,'' He answered.

Arthur sighed."Merlin this denial is not helping you,'' Arthur explained." I need know what happened to you. What they did" He was obviously not going to let Merlin be this time.

"That's not my problem,'' He told him shortly still watching Arthur.

"Did they go all the way? Did they go into you? ,'' Arthur asked him low. Merlin wasn't going to look so surprised but he couldn't help it. He never thought of Arthur actually thinking there was all the way between two men. Weirdly Arthur didn't seem ashamed at all, the only thing that was written across his face was pure worry as he eagerly waited for an answer. Merlin had to look away terrified, he was scared Arthur would realize he actually wanted it from him.

"If you don't say no I'll take it as a yes,'' Arthur murmured low. He didn't reply.

"And they escaped,'' Arthur murmured coldly. Merlin wasn't sure if he had ever heard his voice so cold but still he couldn't look at Arthur, not yet.

"Rupert did this now, didn't he?,'' Arthur asked him with a hint of pure disgust in his voice. Merlin pretended not to hear him. Soon Arthur rose to his feet's and was gone so quickly that Merlin was a bit startled. He kind of wished he hadn't left; the way he held his arm comforted him a lot. As he realized Arthur was not coming back he curled himself up in his small bed and fell slowly asleep.

It took him by a surprise in the morning to find Gwen alone. She gave him a soft smile.

"Where is Arthur? ,'' Merlin asked her confused. She sat down as Merlin handed her the breakfast he had made ready.

"He's gone for a couple of days,'' She told him after taking a bite of a strawberry. Since when didn't Arthur bring Merlin too? Did he do something when he was drunk to make such a fool of himself that Arthur didn't want to bring him along? Merlin was pretty sure he hadn't been that drunk that he would actually forget something like that.

"They escaped as you must know. He decided to go after them. It only makes sense to leave you behind,'' Gwen told him as reading his thoughts. Merlin blinked few times in confusion. Arthur must be afraid that they harm more people; he really did have a good heart. Maybe he had made a horrible decision helping them escape. How could he have been so sure they wouldn't harm more people?

"He has Camelot's finest knights with him,'' Gwen murmured watching Merlin closely that simply gave a little nod. Of course he was worried, Gwen obviously knew too much about him.

"Merlin you can take the days off until he's back''

Merlin gave her a forced smile. "Thank you my lady".

* * *

Merlin knew it was enough now. He had spent eight whole days alone at home denying answering the door for anyone. The amount of tears he had shed were so many he was almost surprised not to find a lake on the floor

That night he went to the tavern. The people around him almost didn't feel real after being alone for so long. He hated to admit it but he felt desperate for some kind of a touch. The loneliness inside of him was killing him. Thank god for Arthur not being here, he'd probably start hugging him and make a fool out of himself. The first night after Arthur left, Merlin had decided to go after him because after all it was his duty to protect him. In truth the main reason was because he was worried. He had of course been stopped on his way out of Camelot; Arthur clearly had people still spying on him. Merlin had been too foolish to remember that. By a miracle he had managed to convince himself that Arthur was alright, after all he had taken his finest knights with him and besides it wouldn't be easy to find them because he didn't even have a clue what direction they had gone in. Neither did Gwen know, he had asked her the same morning she told him Arthur was gone. His plan was now to wait for a couple of more days and if he wouldn't return soon he'd go after him.

Merlin was on the bed making out with a girl he had just met. It had been couple of hours of complete nonsense talking and drinking. He was lying on his side on his bed stroking her side up and down as they kissed. It really surprised him that he was going this far, it was so out of character. Obviously he was maybe too desperate for some kind of a touch. As much as he tried not to think about Arthur he couldn't. His head was only seeing a dirty fantasy of him and Arthur making out. In truth Merlin had never even gone this far willingly and was rather nervous. It didn't help when she started stroking him firmly trough his trousers.

"Why don't you touch me,'' She whispered hoarsely. Merlin moved his hand slowly and cupped her backside. It was obvious to him that he shouldn't be doing this, if he'd count reason why he should stop he'd probably get at least several on that list. They barely knew each other and he wasn't even kissing her in his mind, it was all wrong. He really just couldn't stop himself, his fantasies felt way more realistic now and he started forgetting how nervous he actually was. He couldn't help but be very disappointed by the fact that she didn't have a member, after all most of Merlin's fantasies had Arthur's member playing a big part. The thought of this being Arthur's hand touching his groin almost sent him on his edge.

A faint knocking was heard. "What was that?' She murmured as she sat quickly up. Arthur stormed in. Thank god for both of them being fully dressed. He was very thankful for Arthur returning home safe but there was really no need to storm in like that.

* * *

_I know there is much in this chapters i should probably had skipped to most people but i need to write this as i want... because if i wouldn't... well then i wouldn't be able to write in the first place._

_Next chapter is 50% shorter than this one but it's done, i only need to fix it._

_If i'm lucky then it will be up tomorrow.._

_Thank you for the reviews btw!.. they make me want to post this online. In truth they are the only reason why i'm even posting this chapter._


	9. You can't know

**_You can't know_**

_He heard a faint knock. "What was that?' she murmured as she sat quickly up. Arthur stormed in. Thank god for both of them being fully dressed. He was very thankful for Arthur returning home safe but there was really no need to storm in like that. _

"Who's she?"

He looked furious. Merlin was sure he was blushing as Arthur continued to stare at him as he did something horrible wrong. The girl obviously knew who he was and stood up quickly. "Sire I'm so sorry,'' she told him politely before she left looking terrified by the looks Arthur was giving her.

"Really Merlin, you don't even know her,'' Arthur snapped at him as soon as the door was heard closing. Merlin was way too surprised by him entering and too confused of how Arthur was taking this that he didn't say anything. He just continued to sit on his bed quietly.

"Did you sleep with her?" Arthur asked. Merlin really doubted his face could show more disgust, he obviously thought he had hurt her or something. This really didn't make any sense.

"Stop being so disgusted I didn't hurt her,'' Merlin told him firmly.

Arthur gave a laugh. "I'm disgusted because you don't know her Merlin. She could have some diseases you've no idea about. Don't be a half wit! ,'' he explained. Arthur sat down on the chair beside his bed and Merlin sat more up pulling the covers with him. He was still hard and Arthur being so close didn't help in any way. Not that it was a new thing for him to be hard around Arthur. Every single time it happened it couldn't help but feel guilty. If Arthur would ever find out about his feelings it would definitely not end very well, Merlin didn't even want to think about it. Arthur would be beyond sickened by him, he was sure.

Arthur looked straight at him. "In fact I'm way more disgusted in her than you''

He had no interest in hearing Arthur talk about how gross he was. "You should be glad she even wanted to kiss you if you think about it'' Arthur murmured sounding so disgusted that Merlin had to bite his lip to avoid crying. He hated how sensitive he was these days. Usually he'd laugh it off because god dammit he had always known Arthur found him nothing close to being attractive.

"Has someone else than her even wanted to kiss you?' Arthur asked him smiling, Merlin stared at him without answering.

"Well there must be some girls that like boys that look like a ugly girl dressed up as a man,'' Arthur laughed. He obviously still thought Merlin was a cross dresser, or so said the grin on his face.

"Can you go?' Merlin asked him. Arthur pretended not to hear him.

He lifted his eyebrows as he watched Merlin curiously'' Tell me Merlin did she really let you go all the way?' he asked, sounding a bit dull.

"I never said you could come. I want you to go please,'' Merlin told him trying to sound as calm as possible.

Arthur shocked his head" Answer my question"

Merlin inhaled annoyed. "I've no idea because you came in here and interrupted,'' Merlin told him sounding way more irritated than he had intended.

Arthur smiled. "She must have felt sorry for you. That's so sweet,'' He told him chuckling. Merlin tried everything to show no signs of how hurt he actually was.

Arthur sighed as he noticed. "Don't look so hurt Merlin. It's not like you don't know how unattractive you are''

If Merlin was right he looked a bit guilty. Maybe he was just seeing what he wanted to see, he couldn't be sure. He had to look away from Arthur; this was hurting him way more than it ever should.

"She must have been drunk,'' Arthur murmured as thinking out loud.

Merlin looked at Arthur again, he couldn't stand this anymore.'' Yes she was drunk okay! I got it. You can't believe that she actually wanted to kiss me,'' Merlin snapped back at him as he pulled the covers slightly more up to cover himself.

Arthur was taken by a surprise. "It's not like you didn't know,'' he told him like trying to excuse himself.

Merlin moved to lie down facing the way away from Arthur. All thanks to Arthur he'd probably be cutting tonight. After a week fighting against it Arthur had managed to ruin everything. He heard Arthur move on his chair after a couple of minutes he hoped he was on his way but he heard no footsteps to his disappointment. There was no way he could hold his sobs in forever.

"Merlin I'm sorry. I didn't know I'd hurt you that much,'' Arthur whispered gently. As much as Merlin wanted to remain quit he couldn't.

"You didn't hurt me you offended me''

He heard Arthur give a laugh. "Well it's a good thing I scared the shit out of her. Now you don't need to worry about her giving you some diseases'' Merlin had to fight the urge not to stand up and hit Arthur in the head.

"Yes you are amazed by the fact that somebody actually wanted to kiss me because I'm the most disgusting thing in the universe. I've got that. If there is nothing else you want to say then I'd appreciate if you would go,'' Merlin whispered into the dark.

"Merlin I didn't know you were that sensitive,'' Arthur explained. Merlin had to turn around.

He sat up looking at Arthur trough the candlelight on his bedside. "I'm not sensitive,'' he snapped before finding anything else to say. Arthur just placed his hands up in defeat and with that left.

Merlin couldn't help the urge of cutting that night. He was so angry with himself for being so sensitive. He knew he had to stop; cutting didn't help in the long run, not at all.

* * *

This morning Arthur had informed Merlin they would start riding this morning to try to find the sorcerer. The plan was to visit Gaius on the way; Merlin really didn't fancy the main part of the trip. He had already finishing packing for Arthur and his own. Not that he had much to pack; it took way less time packing for himself.

As he finally finished making the horses ready he waited until the rest would arrive. Mordred, Gwaine,Leon,Percival and Tristan would tag along. Merlin had hoped it would only be Gwaine, as annoying as he had been lately he was one of the few Merlin truly trusted. He had been good to him along with being annoying, if he was even annoying in the first place because he found everyone annoying lately. Merlin obviously had to solve some problems within.

They rode the whole day with brief pauses now and then. Arthur didn't say a word to him if not telling him what needed to be done. It was very unusual for Arthur ignoring him like this and it made Merlin wonder if he had said something he didn't remember. To Merlin it was obvious that he should be the one ignoring him, yes Arthur might think he was utterly disgusting but there was no need of repeating it over and over again. The fact that he hadn't talked much lately probably played a big part in this too, or so Merlin told himself after a whole day wondering about this. It was better to wonder about this than the fact that they were looking for a sorcerer that was already with them.

"Place my tent up Merlin,'' Arthur told him as he sat down by the fire. They had just found the place they would spend the night at. Merlin had packed one of Arthur's smaller tents; it made no sense placing a huge tent up for few nights. Arthur most often agreed and thank god he did now. He couldn't say it was a lot of fun placing it up.

"Mine too,'' Tristan murmured and threw it into Merlin's lap. He was one of those knights that didn't consider servants human beings nor anything close to a friend. Merlin just placed it up; it gave him a good reason not to talk to the others. After he had finishing everything along with cooking he walked away to sit behind a tree. It kind of annoyed him hearing the knight's laugh together; he just wanted to get them out of his sight. That tree covered him perfectly from them. The fact that they could laugh in earnest made him swell up with jealously, if only he could be this happy, if only Gaius wasn't gone. It didn't do any good feeling sorry for himself, it just made himself more miserable. He had good things in his life, like Arthur. It didn't take a genius to figure out that Arthur truly considered Merlin a good friend, there were moments Arthur relied on Merlin more than anyone, so it wasn't exactly hard to see it. If Merlin was right then those 'moments' most often belonged between the two of them. Arthur obviously trusted him more than most people. It broke Merlin's heart knowing that the trust they had made over the years would go with a SNAP as Arthur would find out about his magic. Would they ever grow to be as close as before? Would Arthur ever trust him again?

"Merlin you haven't handed us our food,'' Arthur shouted at him and Merlin was drawn out of his thoughts quickly.

"You are the worst servant ever,'' Arthur shouted after several seconds. Merlin couldn't help but smile a bit. He knew he should have answered but once again he wasn't in a very talkative mood.

Merlin sat there listening to the birds, trying his best to block out the faint laughing and talking. It felt nice being in the nature, or as nice as he could possible feel right now. He slowly managed to drift away from his dark thoughts and into a fairytale full of hopes and dreams. It felt so good to quit being himself only for a bit.

"Merlin you need to clean after us,'' Arthur called. Merlin's opened his eyes, he had almost fallen asleep. It really didn't tickle his fancy's to go and be around the knights so he closed his eyes again.

There were footsteps nearing him. He kept his eyes closed hoping this person would leave him alone. Something hard hit his jaw and couldn't help but moan as his eyes flew open.

"You don't treat your king like this,'' Tristan told him in a shaky voice full of disgust. He was on his knees watching Merlin with eyes full of hate. Yes he shouldn't treat his king like this but neither should Tristan treat him like this. It hurt like hell. The punch had hit him right into the deep purple bruise on his cheekbone. Merlin stood up quickly and Tristan did the same watching Merlin with threat in his eyes. Tristan was Rupert's brother; it must be one of the reasons why he's so furious with him. He had no idea what had happened to Rupert but as he continued to watch Tristan face several ideas came to his mind. Arthur couldn't have banished him? Or locked him in the dungeon?

"Yeah you're probably right,'' Merlin murmured low, not wanting to anger him further.

Tristan took a step closer. "You call me sire,'' he told him coldly. Merlin had to give a laugh.

"You know a little bird told me that you aren't only a worthless servant but you're actually a whore. You look like a girl after all,'' Tristan smiled to him, obviously trying his best to find the right buttons.

"You let two men get on top of you didn't you,'' Tristan whispered. Merlin was lost for words. Those new knights of Arthur's probably came from hell after all.

"You liked it, didn't you?'' Tristan whispered smiling. Merlin couldn't handle seeing Tristan's ugly face saying this like it excited him more than anything so he started to walk away ignoring Tristan's laugh. He would go to see Gaius alone; he couldn't stand seeing anyone's face right now, most of all Tristan's. It didn't take long for him to start running; he couldn't fight the urge to be alone anymore. All those stupid people did were breaking him, he couldn't constantly build himself up. It was probably best to be alone until he felt better.

* * *

"We should get some rest'' Arthur said.

Gwaine yawned but gave a little nod to Arthur. The other knights had recently gone to rest.

"Where is Merlin?'' Arthur asked Gwaine after looking around. Gwaine couldn't help but smile; Arthur was trying so hard to hide how worried he was. He stood up and walked to the tree he knew Merlin had been sitting behind. "Arthur'' Gwaine called loudly. It didn't take Arthur long to join him.

Gwaine fixed his eyes on Arthur's. "He was here before,'' Gwaine explained.

Arthur sighed." He obviously just left. God I hate him,'' he said annoyed.

Gwaine gave a laugh."Well if I have to admit you haven't been that pleasant to be around lately. I really don't blame him,'' he smiled back at him and Arthur gave him an annoyed look.

Gwaine coughed slightly" Well at least to me. You've been a bit moody. We can't blame him''

Arthur closed his eyes shortly in annoyance. Gwaine watched as he tried to track Merlin's footsteps in the ground, it was clearly too dark because Arthur was sometimes on his four feet's looking like an idiot, or at least to Gwaine. He sat there watching Arthur for a couple of minutes until he walked to him.

"You are not going to find him. It's too dark,'' Gwaine murmured convincingly, pulling him up from the ground.

"Maybe it's too dark but I swear I thought I found something,'' Arthur told him as he turned around to see Gwaine.

Gwaine patted him on his back shortly. "I'm sure he's fine"

"You've obviously not been around him lately,'' Arthur murmured, hurrying away from him.

* * *

It didn't take Merlin long to realize he had no food nor anything with him. This obviously wouldn't work as well as he had planned at first. He would have to go back home or try to find them again. Well, he could try to haunt something but that really wasn't something he fancied.

It took him a very long time to fall asleep. He couldn't forget the rape that had happened not so long ago. It made the memories worse being in the same environment as when it had happened. It wasn't until in the early morning when he finally managed to fall into a light sleep.

* * *

Gwaine watched as Arthur knelt on the ground beside Merlin's sleeping form.

Arthur shocked him rather roughly. "Merlin wake up,'' he said loudly. Merlin eyes flew open in horror.

Arthur was watching him gently." Relax it's me,'' he whispered as he released his hold on his shoulders.

This day went just the same as the other. Arthur even ignored him more than the last. Merlin didn't understand the point of him even being with them, it's not like they were too stupid to cook for them self's. He could have gone alone to visit Gaius as they tried to find the sorcerer that they had already found. Merlin had no idea how he was going to deal with this.

"Merlin I need to talk to you''

Merlin gave a little nod towards Arthur. It was late in the evening but still Merlin hadn't used his voice at all over the day. Maybe the knights were actually happy that he did keep quiet for once, he usually talked way too much.

He followed Arthur that looked like being on the way to his tent.

"Get in,'' Arthur told him low. If it hadn't recently started raining heavily he'd been very confused of Arthur inviting him into his tent, especially because this tent was very small. The tent was very simple, there were two mattresses on the floor and It had little more space than for four to sit inside.

Merlin sat down and Arthur sat down in front of him. Arthur bit his lip like annoyed but soon fixed his eyes on Merlin's. "I don't want you to run away like that,'' Arthur told him blankly. Merlin gave a short nod and made ready to leave.

Arthur grasped his arm firmly. "It's raining, you can spend the night in here,'' Arthur told him gently.

Merlin shocked his head.'' No really I'm fine,'' Merlin explained pulling at Arthur's arm but Arthur kept his grasp firmly.

Merlin fixed his eyes on Arthur's that was looking at their hands. "I don't trust that you won't run away. You can easily get yourself killed with that small brain you have,'' Arthur murmured mockingly. He still didn't look at Merlin.

"I need to get my bag,'' Merlin frowned.

"No it's all wet,'' Arthur answered. He smiled a bit and pushed Merlin down on the mattress in the corner.

"Now shut up and don't run away. I really need some sleep,'' Arthur told him as he lay down and pulled the covers over himself.

Merlin sat up quickly. "Since when don't you sleep on two mattresses?"

Arthur rolled on his side to see him slightly trough the dark. "Since you are sleeping on it you half wit,'' Arthur smiled. As much as Merlin wanted to return the smile he couldn't.

"Get some sleep. We start riding early tomorrow,'' Arthur murmured as he threw a blanket on Merlin's head. Merlin lay down and pulled the blanket on top, it felt much safer sharing a tent with Arthur.

"You know I didn't run away. I simple just walked away because Tristan was rude,'' Merlin whispered.

Arthur fixed his blanket slightly "What did he do?"

Merlin moved on his side. "He punched me because I treated you like shit," he hears himself snort.

"What?' Arthur hisses right back as he turns his head to see him better. The little smile that Merlin had managed to force went right back off. Arthur looked furious, even through the dark.

"I actually did treat you a bit unfair. It's my duty to serve you,'' Merlin answered blankly.

"I'll make sure he regrets this,'' Arthur told him firmly as he moved on his back. He gave a sigh.

"He knew what happened to me,'' Merlin began. He couldn't hold it in. If there were more people that knew then he wanted to know, he deserved to know it. "Why did he know what happened to me?"

Arthur fixed his eyes on his in shock. "I had no Idea he even knew. I never told anyone,'' Arthur explained to him. Merlin didn't find a reason to think Arthur was lying so he didn't push this conversation further. On the other hand he knew he had to begin telling his secrets. It was best to begin somewhere, just to prove to himself he could do it. He was still far from being in the right state to tell about his magic but there were other secrets he shouldn't keep from Arthur. Living with all those secrets was far from being easy; he had to let some of them out. From the past he had learnt if he was going to say something hard, then he should say it right out, it would only get harder with waiting.

"I helped them escape''

* * *

_Thank you for the reviews guys and yes i know i should get a beta. I'll think about that! _

_btw boys can be whores too, there are only stupid people that think otherwise. No honestly you'll be surprised to find about how many times a guy is called a player when he sleeps with a lot of people and a girl called a whore. If you are wondering why i'm saying this then it's a sentence in the chapter that i got really annoyed writing..._

_p.s. Merlin is not a whore nor does he look like a woman to me. Why am i even saying this? _

_I've decided to try to post a chapter once in every week._


	10. Never meant to hurt you

**Never meant to hurt you.**

_**(warning for arthur being an **(fucking)** idiot. It will get better.)**_

_"I helped them escape''_

He moved his eyes to Arthur's that was blinking a bit too often. "Please don't ask me why. I'm honestly not sure,'' he falters, trying not to think about the furious reaction he'd probably be getting soon.

"You stole the keys? ''

"Yes,'' Merlin lied, it's not like he could tell him that he used magic. " Arthur I know I shouldn't had, they could hurt more people. I don't know what I was thinking, '' Merlin explained.

"Am I going to the stocks?" Merlin asked him, he couldn't help but ask. Arthur had a good reason to be angry with him.

"no"

Arthur kept quiet as he stared hard at him; it was almost unbearable not knowing what he was thinking. As Arthur was clearly not going to stop staring he looked away. It felt way too intense to look back.

"I'm sorry,'' Merlin murmured in earnest, fixing his eyes on Arthur's that hadn't said anything for a couple of minutes. He was waiting for Arthur to shout at him but it didn't seem to be happening.

"So where were you, what were you really doing?'' Arthur asked him quietly. He sounded very emotionless, filling Merlin up with the urge to run away.

"Not yet. It's not the right time,'' Merlin answered. He felt his stomach twist from nerves, the thought of him having to tell Arthur soon was way too terrifying. Merlin sat slowly up; it felt like a better idea to sleep outside.

"I never said you could go,'' Arthur snapped at him. Merlin moved his head to see him, he looked far from happy. "Lay down,'' he murmured angrily. Merlin was startled when Arthur sat quickly up and dragged him by his jacket to lie down again.

"I want to be in the rain,'' Merlin explained as he sat back up again. He couldn't help but be embarrassed by the yelp he made as Arthur gripped his shoulder to drag him down all over again.

"Arthur what is wrong with you?'' Merlin asked him offended, watching Arthur that was looking down on him as he now sat beside him. He hated that stupid lump in his throat; he knew his eyes were wet even though he fought it. For fuck sakes Arthur was stroking his shoulder, he obviously must be thinking that he was on his way to commit suicide. Merlin quickly turned on his side to hide his face from Arthur's. He was maybe a little too panicked about Arthur finding out about his true feelings; lately he was barely sure of what secret he was more worried about, his magic or his feelings. In the end of the day the secret of him being a warlock always won. But on times the truth about his feelings felt heavier, like now when Arthur was touching him like that. Struggling not to touch Arthur back was far from easy.

He suddenly felt as Arthur moved his hand into his hair to stroke it chastely. As much as he liked it he couldn't continue to let Arthur think he's going to kill himself. What else could be the answer for all of those gentle touches?

"I'm not going to kill myself if that is what you think. I would never do that,'' Merlin whispered blankly. If only it wasn't the right thing to tell him, he was enjoying those little touches so much. There was no respond.

His small amount of tears quickly tried up as Arthur continued to stroke his hair. It didn't matter how many times Merlin told himself to tell Arthur to stop. He had been hard for a couple of minutes now; he couldn't even fight those little stupid touches. How Arthur had pushed him into the mattress the second time only turned on some fantasies. He was disgusted with himself; those little innocent touches Arthur was giving him were turning him on.

It felt way too soon when he heard Arthur moving away, leaving him fighting the urge to snuggle up against him. He had to play it safe, if Arthur were to find out about his true feelings it would definitely end their friendship.

"You weren't dating that girl were you?"

It came out of nowhere, Merlin wasn't expecting Arthur to start asking questions again; specially a question like this one. A hand touched his shoulder and Arthur urged him to turn around. As Merlin was comfortable on his side he looked at Arthur.

"Yeah we are,'' he lied.

Arthur didn't look very happy with the answer. "Is she on something?'' he demanded to know. The man that he had just turned hard for was expressing how ugly and disgusting he found him. If only Merlin could quit those stupid feelings, they only gave him heartache. Why couldn't he just be his friend and that would be all he ever wanted? He was lucky they were even friends in the first place, so lucky.

Arthur gave a chuckle when Merlin didn't answer.

"She must be a very sweet girl for feeling so much for you. You didn't think she was going out with you because she wanted it? ,'' Arthur smiled. Merlin really didn't know what was going on with Arthur, yes he did mock him all the time but recently he had been going way too far.

"You should be very grateful to her,'' Arthur told him. He turned around to face the way from Arthur, now he really wanted to sleep and be left alone.

"That she actually was in bed with you, she probably bathed twice the same day after seeing you,'' Arthur chuckled.

"Shut up,'' Merlin whispered, trying to sound calm. He was still hard, for fuck sakes he wasn't sure if he was angrier with himself or Arthur.

Arthur obviously didn't care about Merlin asking him to keep quiet "You should be glad that your mom didn't throw you out. You must have been even more annoying as kid,'' he murmured. It felt like being punched in his stomach. His biological mother had thrown him out because of his magic, she had told him that she never wanted to see him again. Would Arthur do the same if he found out? He knew they were friends but maybe Arthur's hatred of magic would blind him from seeing that Merlin never meant to harm anyone. Arthur was a good person, Merlin knew that but he as everyone could get blinded by hatred of something. He had grown up learning that anything that had to do with magic was evil; it would be understandable if Arthur would overlook the fact that Merlin was indeed a good person if he were ever to find out. There was no need for more crying, Merlin knew that. Too much crying just brought more ache to his heart. He started to scratch his hands as brutally as he could as he kept them under the covers hidden. There wasn't a sound that escaped his lips, he wouldn't let himself, he wouldn't let himself continue to be this weak. Soon he would have to be strong, for Arthur. There would be a war and those were the times Arthur needed Merlin's support the most. He knew had to force himself to forget those hurtful comments he kept getting, this wasn't the time to take them to the heart. The war was coming, everyone knew it. Morgana wouldn't give up until the crown was hers.

"I was mocking you Merlin. Don't be such a girl. Turn around, I want to talk to you,'' Arthur told him after a couple of minutes in silence. Merlin didn't find any reason to answer so he pretended he was already asleep. The war hadn't begun; he could let himself be angry only for a bit. Arthur didn't deserve to get what he wants, not now. Not when he's been mocking Merlin when he knows he's already feeling down. For this night, he was going to let himself ignore Arthur.

Merlin had no idea how much time had gone by but he was pretty sure it had been a good while. There was no way he was going to fall asleep. As much as he tried he just couldn't forget the last comment Arthur had made. He was pretty sure Arthur was awake too, he had been moving for a while now. Merlin had made himself comfortable long time ago, he was lying on his stomach facing Arthur, only because he wanted to be able to peak at him sneakily.

There was a sound of Arthur moving again, he heard him moving closer. Suddenly he felt a very light touch in his hair. Surprisingly Arthur started stroking it gently. This didn't make sense because first of all Arthur thought he was asleep. The only logic explanation was that Arthur was missing Gwen too much and was either doing this in his sleep or doing it because he wanted to pretend he was stroking her. The strokes slowly moved to his cheekbone, he felt a breath on his mouth. How was he supposed to pretend he was asleep now? Arthur obviously was having some kind of a dream about Gwen. Merlin sucked in a breath he didn't know he was holding when Arthur suddenly leaned in. He was so startled that he jerked and quickly sat up. Arthur followed quickly.

"Why didn't you wake me?'' Arthur shouted at him. Merlin stared at the lines of Arthur in the dark; he was so shocked that he would actually do that to him, even though he had been asleep and probably dreaming of Gwen.

"I.. I just woke up,'' Merlin managed to stutter.

"You disgusting whore,'' Arthur muttered. This was the second time Arthur made him feel like being punched in the stomach.

"It's not my fault,'' Merlin told him low.

"Get me a wet a cloth and get me some water,'' Arthur murmured in disgust.

They didn't talk more after that. Arthur didn't even look at him. Merlin couldn't really blame him; it must be disgusting for him to kiss him. After all he wasn't only a man but was amazingly ugly to Arthur. There was no sleep for Merlin for the rest of the night, none at all. At least Arthur didn't kick him out of the tent because it was still raining heavily.

The morning was the same. Arthur didn't even look at him. Merlin was terrified of this ruining their friendship because Arthur looked furious. The friendship they had built over the years couldn't be destroyed by a stupid thing like this, Merlin wasn't going to let it happen.

There was another day of silence for Merlin. Arthur had promised he would let Tristan pay but Merlin hadn't even seen him talk to him. He was obviously furious, Merlin understood Arthur wasn't happy with what happened but this wasn't his fault. Even though he hated himself lately he knew he didn't deserve this. If Arthur would maybe look at him once Merlin was sure he might blush, he felt so awkward after yesterday. But there was never any need to hide a blush; Arthur simply just didn't look at him.

"It's a bit left,'' Gwaine murmured as he came back from feeding the horses. He took the leftovers of the dinner he had recently made and hid behind a tree. Arthur hadn't even told him what he should do; so he just did what he thought he should.

As he heard they were all gone to sleep he cleaned everything up. The rain started falling soon before he could lie down. The luck was clearly not with him. A little cold wouldn't hurt him, nothing near to how he was feeling.

* * *

As the morning sun came Merlin started making breakfast. He hadn't even slept at all even though he was feeling deadly tired. This day Gwaine tried attempts to talk to him but as he saw Merlin was far from being talkative he stopped. He was completely out of the world, drowning himself in a fantasy world just to breathe in. Because of that it took him way longer than it should to realize they weren't heading the way towards the graves.

"I thought we were going to the graves,'' Merlin murmured to Gwaine that was riding beside him.

"We are visiting the druids first,'' Gwaine explained.

Merlin panicked. "What, why?,'' he demanded to know. Gwaine smiled a bit to him, obviously just happy that Merlin was talking again.

"To find out where the sorcerer is living now. Arthur wanted to make sure we found him so he decided to stop there because it isn't that far away from where we are heading,'' he explained. Merlin inhaled deeply, this wouldn't end well.

* * *

"Arthur,'' Merlin murmured later that day. They were horse riding trying their best to find the druids. Mordred was giving Arthur the best directions.

"Arthur"

"What? '' Arthur snapped at him

"We know where he once lived, I don't think this is necessary if you think about it,'' Merlin explained as he made his horse catch up to Arthur's.

"Did I ask you for your opnion?"

Merlin tried his best to ignore the lump in his throat.

"We come in peace!" Arthur said loudly, as they walked past several dark red tents that bore the druid sign. Their surroundings were filled with those tents, along with several campfires.

"What business have you here,'' A druid man said after stepping forward, looking ready for an attack. They were very fortunate that the druids were very peaceful people, even though some of them must hate Camelot after the past years of Uther's ruling. That wasn't Arthurs fault, most of them would probably see that, or Merlin thought so.

"We need help, if you can be kind enough to give it to us,'' Arthur explained to a man with a long dark hair, obviously some kind of a leader of them.

"And why would you think he would give it to you. You've haunted us like animals,'' A druid woman shouted at him. The druids were all around them, some looked curious while others simply looked offended by them coming unwelcomed. Merlin caught few glimpses of smiles towards Mordred; must be his old friends.

"That's not right. That was my father's doing,'' Arthur explained to the woman. She gave a snort.

Arthur fixed his eyes on the long haired druid man. "We need to find a sorcerer. It's the only way to win the war and bring peace to Camelot. We won't be able to fight Morgana without magic,'' Arthur said.

"His name is Emrys,'' Mordred murmured standing beside Merlin. He looked slowly at Merlin smiling a bit. Thank god for them being behind Arthur.

The druid man was laughing softly. Merlin was trying his absolutely best to keep calm; he knew they might reveal his secret. He could feel the stares he was being given by many of the druids and it almost made him want to throw up. If Arthur would notice the stares he was being given he might suspect something. He firmly dug his nails into his palms to hold some control over his emotions.

* * *

Thank you for the reviews guys, so nice of you. I know there are a lot of disgusting people in my story, sorry. But the truth is there are a lot of disgusting people in real life... believe me. ugh

I wrote this over a month ago but i almost decided to quit publishing but then i decided to stop being a coward and continue to publish.

ARTHUR WILL STOP THIS I PROMISE.


	11. The offer

**The offer**

_Arthur fixed his eyes on the long haired druid man. "We need to find a sorcerer. It's the only way to win the war and bring peace to Camelot. We won't be able to fight Morgana without magic,'' Arthur said._

_"His name is Emrys,'' Mordred murmured standing beside Merlin. He looked slowly at Merlin smiling a bit. Thank god for them being behind Arthur._

_The druid man was laughing softly. Merlin was trying his absolutely best to keep calm; he knew they might reveal his secret. He could feel the stares he was being given by many of the druids and it almost made him want to throw up. If Arthur would notice the stares he was being given he might suspect something. He firmly dug his nails into his palms to hold some control over his emotions._

"I don't think you need to worry about finding Emrys, he'll be there when you need him,'' The druid man explained to him, after looking very briefly at Merlin's face.

"I just need to talk to him and make sure of it,'' Arthur told him.

The druid man shocked his head. "If you don't trust what I just told you then you shouldn't have come to us in the first place,'' he answered. Then he smiled watching the confusion written across Arthur's face.

"I trust we'll be left alone now''

Merlin was expecting Arthur to shout at him but to his surprise he turned around and started heading back.

* * *

It was late in the night. Merlin was sitting with his back against a tree. He felt so tired but there was no way he could sleep. He was so thankful that the druids didn't reveal, he knew most of them knew about him, if not all.

Suddenly there were footsteps nearing him and soon Arthur came forward. He sat beside Merlin and placed a hand over his shoulder. His thumb started stroking him gently. Arthur had paid no attention to the fact Merlin had jerked a lot, maybe just gotten used to it. Merlin couldn't help but notice that they were sitting so close to each other that their hips were firmly against each other. It felt like fire everywhere they were touching.

"I didn't mean to hurt you,'' Arthur whispered to him. Merlin looked at him; his face was way too close to his so he moved it away.

"Its fine,'' Merlin smiled. It meant a lot to him that Arthur was talking to him again. Arthur planted a gentle kiss to his temple. Merlin didn't understand how he had once considered breathing an easy thing.

"I'll talk to Tristan tomorrow morning, ''

Merlin couldn't help but smile again. They weren't only fine now but Arthur was still stroking him and watching him fondly. Way too soon Arthur released his hold and stood up, those few seconds felt precious to him.

"You can share my tent"

It didn't look like such a good idea to Merlin. The last thing he wanted right now was him and Arthur not talking again.

"I'm fine here, thank you sire"

Merlin moved his eyes to meet Arthur's that was staring at him firmly. Something seemed to be bothering him. He looked far from being okay.

"Are you okay?" Merlin murmured as he stood up to see him better.

Arthur gave a nod" Well, then you sleep here. It's better for me anyways"

It seemed impossible to fall asleep. It had at least been two hours since Arthur had come to him. Merlin felt way better than he had before this little talk but still, it just wouldn't work. There was way too much on his mind. What was heaviest was the fact he had to tell Arthur the whole truth about his magic, which would definitely end up worse than their previous fights.

Someone suddenly screamed. Merlin stood up slowly wondering what had just happened. Was it one of them? It must be because it sounded close. He hurried to find the reason for this scream. Just as he thought it wouldn't find anyone another one came. He followed the sound and soon found someone lying on the ground so he quickly kneeled down to see who it was. It was Tristan.

"Are you alright?"

Tristan didn't even look at him, just stared the other way with wide eyes. It worried Merlin. Had he gone insane? It almost looked like he didn't even hear Merlin.

"Who did this to you?" Merlin asked him. It wasn't until several seconds later when he realized what might be the cause of this. It hadn't been Arthur? Arthur wouldn't hurt a knight of his, he wouldn't. No matter what they did, didn't he?

"I'll help you back,'' Merlin told him. He couldn't think about what happened between them now, it wasn't the right time. Tristan quickly stood up and walked away almost like avoiding him. Everything didn't make sense.

"You don't need help?'' Merlin called after him. There was no answer.

Arthur had said he was going to talk to Tristan not torture him. It must have been someone else. Something was going on and Arthur had to know.

Soon he found himself kneeling beside Arthur's tent.

"Arthur,'' Merlin whispered towards the open of the tent. No reply was heard nor anyone heard moving so he opened the tent quickly to see if Arthur was there, he wasn't.

On the other hand there were sounds behind him, sounds of someone walking towards him. Merlin quickly stood up and turned around. It was Arthur.

"What are you doing?"

"I have to tell you something,'' Merlin told him firmly. Arthur didn't look in the very best mood but he had to know what happened.

"I found Tristan, someone hurt him. He didn't even look at me; there was something really odd about him,'' Merlin told Arthur.

Suddenly Merlin realized it could have been Morgana placing a spell on him. He should have investigated further before telling Arthur, he saw that now. If only he wasn't so tired, then he might have realized it before now.

"Really? '' Arthur murmured slowly not seeming very interested in what Merlin had told him.

"Did you know about it?"

"No, of course not,'' Arthur murmured sounding ironic as he pushed Merlin away to get into the tent. Merlin followed him into the tent. What was with Arthur lately, he was way ruder than he usually was and now he hurt Tristan like this?

"What is wrong with you Arthur? You've been horrible lately,'' Merlin told him. "Is something bothering you?''

There must be something, by the looks of everything that only made sense. Merlin sat in front of Arthur that fixed his eyes on his.

"Well I was going to get some sleep so I guess I can say you are bothering me,'' Arthur murmured annoyed. Merlin stared at him.

"To anyone with a brain it would be obvious that I wanted to be alone right now,'' Arthur explained, sounding arrogant. Merlin watched as Arthur made himself comfortable under the covers.

"Let's say I don't have a brain because I'm going to sit here until you tell me what is wrong with you,'' Merlin told him, watching Arthur face as much as he could in the dark.

"Leave"

"No Arthur I'm not going to leave"

"You'll command your king or I'll promise you'll regret it,'' Arthur hissed at him. Merlin was way too stubborn to give up that early. What had happened to Arthur? Something big was obviously bothering him and he knew Arthur had to share it before it might end badly.

"It's best to open up; you've been so weird lately. I'm not as dumb as you think, I know something is wrong,'' Merlin explained.

"I told you to get out,'' Arthur shouted at him as he sat back up. Maybe it would be a good idea to get out. There was no way he was going to let things go back to how they were.

"What is bothering me is that I've been acting like a jerk,'' Arthur told him. "Are you happy now?"

"Not really,'' Merlin smiled to him. Arthur rolled his eyes without replying.

"It's a very good idea playing a jerk when you regret being a jerk before," Merlin mocked.

Arthur ignored him and lay himself down on his mattress again.

"You can stay here,'' Arthur whispered as he moved on his side facing the way from Merlin.

It was very tempting to get to sleep in the tent with Arthur, especially because there were few raindrops heard falling onto the tent.

"It's raining so I can't deny it'' Merlin told him and lay himself down onto the other mattress. It didn't take long for a blanket to land on his head making his mouth twitch into a little smile.

"If you start talking I swear I'll feed you to the dogs when we get back home,'' Arthur murmured low. Merlin pulled Arthur's blanket over himself and moved on his side facing the way from Arthur. He almost instantly fell asleep feeling so much safer than he had been before.

* * *

Merlin watched down to the spot Gaius was. There was nothing there but the ground. No flowers, absolutely nothing. This was so far from what Gaius deserved. He deserved to have something greater than this, like million flowers but there was nothing but the cold ground. The others had left some time ago behind a hill close by. Obviously they didn't have the need to be there as long as Merlin did. One thing was sure, he was going to come here again and bring something to make his burial place more beautiful.

Arthur suddenly came to be beside him.

"Merlin, I am truly sorry how I've been. I've been letting my anger out on you. You least of all deserve it,'' Arthur told him sadly. Merlin turned his head to give Arthur a little smile.

"It's okay, just try to be more creative with your insults,'' he teased back. "I could give you few ideas"

"Like what?"

"Well you've already told me at least several times lately that I'm utterly disgusting and ugly. You might try to start talking about how annoying I am, you haven't done that in a while,'' Merlin chuckled and Arthur smiled to him.

"Well It's good to see you smiling, you haven't been that pleasant to be around"

"At least I don't look like a toad"

Merlin was indeed happier than he had been for days. For Arthur apologizing like that meant the world to him. It really did.

"Tristan didn't deserve whatever you did to him you know,'' Merlin murmured, moving his eyes to the burial place again.

Arthur sighed" I know I behaved wrongly but he deserved it"

Merlin moved his head to see Arthur that was watching the ground blankly.

"Merlin it's best if you try not to talk to me. I don't want to let my anger out on you,'' Arthur explained to him as he pushed his hair from his eyes as it flexed in the wind.

"I told you it's fine,'' Merlin murmured low. Arthur shocked his head firmly and looked at him.

"No Merlin"

There wasn't really an opinion for Merlin. He wanted them to be okay and if this was what Arthur wanted he would let him have it. He had thought a lot of what might be bothering Arthur, it was way too much that came to his mind. It could be the war; they had lost many good men, and then again it might also be something happening between him and Gwen, and on and on. There wasn't any one solution Merlin could come to terms with so he decided to wait until Arthur looked like he wanted to talk about it.

* * *

Merlin lay down on his mattress in Arthur's tent. Two days had gone by without much talking. Practically the only things Arthur said to him had something to do with chores. Merlin hadn't exactly been very social, he had hid away while the knights sat by the fire, so maybe that had something to do with it too. But Arthur had indeed told Merlin he didn't want to talk to him so that must be the main reason. The last days hadn't been that bad, yes Merlin was very lonely but at least Tristan completely let him alone, he barely even looked at him. It made Merlin wonder more than once what on earth Arthur had said/did to him.

"You think we should check if he still lives in the old hut,'' Arthur murmured in the dark, talking about the old sorcerer. Merlin turned around to be on his side to see him. He was surprised that Arthur was asking him an opinion, not just telling him what to do. Those two days had gone by slowly.

"No I think he'll be there when we all need him. You shouldn't worry"

Arthur fixed his pillow slightly and then looked at Merlin "Well, we probably have enough time. Morgana can't gather a whole army that fast"

Merlin gave a firm nod that was answered with a little smile from Arthur. Arthur opened his mouth as to saw something but quickly closed it again.

"We should get some sleep," Arthur finally said and Merlin gave a nod.

"Unless you want to tell me what you were doing as you lied you were gathering herbs,'' Arthur blurted out.

"Not yet"

"Will you ever tell me?"

"Arthur please, stop asking me this. I'll tell you,'' Merlin murmured, sounding frustrated. He didn't want to think about it, not now.

"Then tell me how long you've been meeting this girl?"

Merlin rolled his eyes in annoyance. At the moment he barely believed that few minutes ago he was actually hoping that Arthur would talk to him. Well, he maybe wouldn't have changed his opinion if Arthur wasn't freaking him out with all those questions.

"It's a simple question,'' Arthur said as he pulled in his covers to make them more comfortable.

"I just met her"

"Why did you say you guys were dating?"

"Because we would have been if you hadn't scared the shit out of her"

"You really think so?"

"Shut up Arthur. You said you weren't going to let his stupid anger of yours out on me,'' He snapped back at him. Even through the dark he saw that Arthur looked guilty.

"I'm teasing you Merlin. You've been way too sensitive lately,'' Arthur answered.

"I wonder why,'' he replied coldly.

Arthur moved his hand to his face to rub his forehead slightly. He sighed. "I'm sorry Merlin. Get some sleep, he start riding early in the morning"

There was nothing more said. It made no sense to shout at Arthur, Merlin really wanted to but them being okay meant way more to him. He couldn't let his anger control him as Arthur was obviously doing, at least on times.

* * *

They came home late in the evening the next day. Arthur gave him all the evening off and Merlin couldn't help but appreciate it. Only because he still tired after lack of sleep and there hadn't been much more than thought about sleep on the way home.

"Good morning sire,'' Merlin murmured and he placed a plate in front of him the next morning. "My lady,'' he smiled gently to Gwen.

"Clean my clothes, then you are dismissed for the day,'' Arthur told him without looking at him.

"So that means I shouldn't-"

"No obviously not,'' Arthur snapped at him as he looked at him irritated. So Merlin went to gather his clothes, it was far from being a good idea to anger Arthur further.

"And Merlin ,''Arthur murmured as Merlin was almost out of the door. He turned to look at Arthur.

"You are also dismissed tomorrow,'' Arthur explained to him. Merlin couldn't help but glare angrily at him. Why couldn't he just take care of his duties? He had already proven to Arthur that he was able to keep quiet.

"Fine I'll just rob your food. If you haven't noticed some of us need to work to be able to eat,'' Merlin murmured as he walked to the door. He couldn't stop himself from closing the door a bit rougher than what was considered normal.

* * *

That evening the door was knocked. It turned out to be a servant boy with food for him. Arthur obviously had taken it seriously what he said, but still he couldn't accept it. This annoyed him way more than he had expected. He wanted to work; he anyways had nothing else to do. His life was all about Arthur. Almost everything he did was for Arthur.

"No thank you, I'm fine,'" Merlin told the servant.

"The king said I should leave it in front of your door if you wouldn't take it,'' The boy explained awkwardly and gave him a little smile with his slightly crooked teeth. Arthur obviously knew Merlin a bit too well. Merlin closed the door roughly; he would have felt sorry if he wasn't already in a horrible mood.

There was another knock not so much later. He ripped the door open.

"No I don't want the –"

His frustration went with a snap; this was the girl he had been with several days ago. He didn't even know her name, Merlin wasn't even sure if she had told him in the first place.

"Well,'' she murmured smiling a bit. Merlin shocked his head slightly as trying to shake the confusion out of his head.

"I'm sorry. I was expecting someone else,'' he murmured back. " So how can I help you?"

She chuckled." Well in truth this visit was going to be more about how I can help you"

Merlin opened the door more and stepped aside so she could walk in.

"So, do you want anything? '' Merlin murmured as he closed the door.

"No, thank you"

Merlin gestured her to sit in front of him as he sat down by the table. She sat down after wondering around a bit. Merlin tapped his fingers to the table, feeling a bit nervous. He had been drunk last time he was with her and even then he had been nervous. The only experience he had with girls had been those few minutes with her.

"Why are you so nervous?"

"What?"

She simple rolled her eyes. "Well, who's this girl named Arthur?"

"What?"

She obviously couldn't help but chuckle. "When I touched you down there,'' She murmured pointing her finger down like this was hilarious. " Well, then you said it. I'm pretty sure I heard you whisper it once more, I'm sure it could have been my imagination."

Merlin could feel his eyes widen, had he been that careless and drunk in those fantasies of his? What on earth could he say that would make sense? It was bad enough if she found out that he hadn't even been thinking about her.

"I know Arthur is a man, don't think so hard. You don't need to make up a lie,'' She explained to him smiling. Merlin had no idea how long he stared at her.

"You must have been very drunk,'' Merlin managed to force out. She was the first to find out about him. Not even Gaius had known. He was nothing near to being prepared for this. What puzzled him the most was the fact that she didn't even look disgusted

"I still had my brain, I know what I heard,'' she smiled to him like it was funny.

"This isn't funny,'' Merlin murmured offended as he stood up, pointing at the door. " I want you to get out right now"

"Relax; I'm not judging you,'' She explained to him seriously, without making a move to get out. Merlin sat down again watching her a bit coldly.

"Don't spread a lie about me. I never said that,'' Merlin whispered.

She scratched her forehead as she shocked her head slightly. "I'm not going to be saying this to anyone, stop panicking"

"I'm not panicking,'' Merlin snapped back, even though he was pretty sure he looked a bit panicked.

"I know a man here in Camelot, he likes the same gender,'' she murmured. Merlin had no idea where she was even going.

"He might be your only chance to be with someone close to what you like. It's way too risky to be, you know trying to find someone. But now as I accidentally found out about you, well- you two might meet up,'' She explained to him.

"I'm not-"

"What can I do to make you trust me?"

"Nothing"

She rolled her eyes. "Fine, it's your loss,'' she murmured as she stood up to leave. Merlin followed her to the door; he was fighting the urge to ask her more about this.

"Why should I trust you?" Merlin whispered, so low that it sounded more like to himself. She turned around right in front of the door.

"I don't know,'' she murmured watching Merlin curiously. " I just find it sad that you're not free to love who you want to love,'' she finished sadly.

He was craving to be touched, even though he was afraid of it after the rapes. The loneliness inside him was almost overloaded. Those gentle kind touches Arthur had been giving him had made him feel so good, maybe it was a good idea to try something out with someone? Merlin knew that the great feeling probably mainly came from the fact that this had been Arthur, but still touches from other people might be good too. He could even imagine it to be Arthur, even though he shouldn't do it.

"Who is he?'' Merlin asked, ignoring the voice inside of his head telling him he shouldn't take the risk. At least by knowing his name he could guarantee he didn't know this man, it would end up awfully if he would meet up with someone he knew.

"Oliver, he's obviously good couple of years older than you but that isn't that important,'' she murmured. She lifted her eyebrows "So, do you want me to tell him you want to meet him?"

"Yes,'' Merlin managed to say. He was scared that this might the only chance for him to know how it felt to do something with another man, do something with another man and wanting it.

"I'm sure he'll want to come tonight,'' She smiled to him and Merlin's eyes widened.

"Do you know how long he's been waiting to meet someone? He hasn't been taking many risks after he almost got captured once,'' she explained to him.

"Second thoughts-"

"Trust me, he's a very nice man,'' she told him gently.

"Why are you doing this?"

"Oliver is my friend and I want to help him"

Merlin gave a little nod. Maybe it was better to meet him as soon as possible. Before he would stop being able to breathe from nerves.

"If someone knocks late in the night it's him. If he'll be able to come unseen, I don't think it's a good idea to let someone see him coming to you so late,'' she smiled to him.

She chuckled a bit" Maybe it's better that you'll go to him after this time, considering what happened between us"

"I'm sorry about that time,'' Merlin blurted out.

"You didn't ask him to storm in like that"

"Not that,'' Merlin murmured ashamed.

She shocked her head. "Don't worry about it, really."

"What's your name?'' Merlin asked. "I was too drunk to get anything"

"It's Elizabeth, Merlin,'' she smiled.

* * *

_Thank you for the reviews guys, you really are the best! They give me the courage to keep publishing. _

_My laptop has almost no battery and i'm too lazy to get the charger so i'm sorry if there are more grammar fails than usual. I just wanted to have this up now because the last chapter took so long :)_

_I'm also sorry if you hated this but i don't so i guess that's all that matters._


	12. Forbidden fantasies

**Forbidden fantasies**

_(Warning for;Arthur being a a-hole & awkward things)_

Merlin had no idea what to do with himself. He almost started looking her to tell her that he didn't want to do this anymore. Hopefully this wouldn't turn out to be a horrible idea.

As a little knock came to his door he barely could move from nerves. It was ridiculous how nervous he could be for this after everything he had faced. He slowly sat up from the chair he sat on and started walking to the door. Another knock came. Maybe he should pretend he fell asleep? It wasn't even normal how many times he had done that lately. Merlin closed his eyes firmly; it would only take a second of courage to open that stupid door. He took a deep breath and opened the door.

A man stepped quickly inside and Merlin closed the door, not knowing what else to do. He hadn't exactly made any signs of him being allowed to enter right away. He turned around to look at the man he hadn't even invited in, Oliver stared right back at him. His hair was dark brown with very slight grey in it, he had rather big nose that gave him a lot of character and then he had brown eyes in almost the exact same color as his hair.

"So you are Merlin,'' Oliver smiled to him, stepping a bit closer to him. Merlin quickly opened his mouth to speak but closed it again.

"I clearly have my luck with me, you are very handsome and considering by what Elizabeth has told then you are a very nice person too,'' Oliver murmured as he looked Merlin up and down. Merlin was really regretting agreeing to his, he had no idea how he was going to get rude of him without being too rude. If he wasn't feeling so nervous he'd probably wonder more about the fact that someone just said he was handsome.

Oliver lifted his hand to touch Merlin's face after taking another step closer to him. He stroked his thumb to his cheekbone watching Merlin confused, after all he had jerked way too much for what was considered normal.

"I'm not going to hurt you,'' Oliver told him seriously.

Merlin moved his eyes away from his. This might be his only chance to ever experience something with someone close to what he liked. He didn't want the fear after the rapes to ruin everything. Slowly he looked back at Oliver that was staring at him; Merlin tilted himself slightly up and kissed him. There was immediate response, Merlin didn't know much what he was doing, and that did make sense because he had barely done this before. Oliver quickly moved his kisses down to his neck and sneaked his hands under Merlin's shirt; the only thing he thought about was Arthur. He couldn't lie to himself, he was way more turned on then he had ever been with Elizabeth. Even though he was turned on he was always on the edge on pulling away from him because of fear. Denying his doubts and fears he quickly moved his hands to Oliver's hips, just to feel in slightly more control as Oliver started sucking rather roughly at his neck. He had to fight back moans so he gripped Oliver a little harder. It wasn't until soon after when Oliver moved his hands to cup his backside firmly that he jerked quickly away from him, remember how wrong this was.

"This isn't right, I don't even know you,'' Merlin whispered as Oliver started stroking his sides.

"It didn't bother you with Elizabeth, don't even pretend it isn't the fact that I'm a man,'' Oliver murmured watching him up and down.

"I was drunk with her!"

"You are so beautiful,'' Oliver said in earnest as his hands cupped Merlin's face, obviously not wanting to talk about why Merlin didn't want to go on.

"Stop making fun of me,'' Merlin snapped at him before he could stop himself. Oliver only gave a little chuckle and leaned in to kiss him shortly.

"You don't really know how to kiss do you,'' Oliver smiled as pulling away.

"I've barely done this before," Merlin murmured, not even feeling offended by what Oliver just told him.

"That's good,''Oliver whispered low, watching Merlin fondly as he started to stroke his hair slightly.

"You've no idea how much I want to stay but you obviously want me to leave, so that's what I'm going to do,'' Oliver told him gently. Not expecting this- Merlin had to give him a little smile.

"Thank you,''Merlin whispered awkwardly.

Oliver smiled slightly" Don't be surprised if I try to visit you sometimes, but obviously you'll just keep the door closed if you don't want to see me"

He was soon left alone after Oliver gave him a firm kiss on the cheekbone. It wasn't until couple of minutes later when Merlin started feeling very ashamed of what had happened, but thank god he hadn't gone further. If his friends would know he had been kissing a man willingly they'd be shocked and probably disgusted. Hate towards people that choose to love the same gender wasn't really something he had been around, because somehow he hadn't heard many stories of it. He wasn't exactly sure if his friends would even mind or care about the fact that some people were a little different in this one tiny way. Merlin was fully aware that it shouldn't matter but he couldn't change that it was indeed forbidden just as magic was. If he would ever find out about one of his friends sharing the same problem as him- he was absolutely sure he would never judge them. But as this problem involved around him it was different, he couldn't accept it.

* * *

"You were dismissed today,'' Arthur shouted as Merlin placed his breakfast in front of him the next morning. To Merlin's surprise he was staying alone in his old bedroom.

"Why was I dismissed?"

"I don't need to answer to the likes of you"

"Then I'm not going"

Arthur quickly sat up from his chair and stopped right in front of Merlin; his eyes tracking him up and down. He suddenly moved his hand to push the neckerchief slightly out of the way.

"Had fun last night?'' Arthur asked as he moved his hand away. Merlin could feel his face warm up with embarrassment.

"Get out of here,'' Arthur snapped at him.

"Are you sacking me?'' Merlin asked hurt, even though he wasn't expecting that it would be the case but he couldn't help it from crossing his mind as Arthur was watching him that angrily.

"Get it into this thick skull of yours that I said dismissed for the day,'' Arthur murmured as he turned Merlin around by gripping his shoulders and then pushing him towards the door.

"Can't you tell me why I'm dismissed,'' Merlin murmured as he turned around to see Arthur. By this it only followed Arthur gripping him brutally by the arm and throwing him out by pushing onto his chest. The door closed immediately after as Merlin lay on his back after falling onto it. Few seconds passed until he could catch his breath after the cause of the fall. Something was seriously wrong with Arthur. He had to find out, one way or another, but at least for now he had no idea how. Biting his lip to avoid tears he headed back home, not knowing what else to do.

When there was a faint knock on the door late in the evening Merlin had to smile. It was dreadful to be alone; he was finally craving more company that he had been these last several days. Something with the way Arthur had treated him had definitely something to do with it, even though he didn't want to admit it to himself. The day hadn't been spent to do much other then sit around and do nothing, thinking about what was going on with Arthur and of course of Gaius. About Arthur – he most often came with the same result and that was that Arthur was worrying about the war, worrying about sending his men to danger all over again. They had already lost so many good people and none of them wanted to lose more.

Merlin slowly opened the door, just in case it was Arthur. He really not fancying another fall like the last one. Yes Merlin was a bit angry with Arthur but he knew his actions would be explained in the end, not that it made the violence alright but it would make him see why Arthur was so angry in the first place. It's not like he had been doing something to annoy him that much, although right now he would really like to do so.

"The king requests your presence in his old chambers right now,'' A blonde servant girl told him politely. Was Arthur feeling sorry for how he treated him?

"Get in,'' Arthur told him, stepping aside so Merlin could come. Soon Arthur gestured him to sit by the table in front of him, watching him so seriously that Merlin knew this could never be good.

"I want you to tell me right now what you were doing for Gaius,'' Arthur told him as his eyes stared firmly at him making Merlin feel like they could see right through him. It wasn't so much he could do other then deny to say it, but it was obvious that Arthur was not going to let him be. Not this time.

"Don't even think about saying you can't say it yet. It's not going to get any easier with time,'' Arthur murmured - like he was reading his thoughts. It often looked like that, so often that Merlin was stunned by the fact that Arthur still had no idea about his magic or his feelings. There wasn't any need for Arthur knowing, not yet and above everything then he didn't deserve to know after the way he had been treated by him recently.

"It's none of your business where I was,'' Merlin answered, he wasn't going to let Arthur get his way. As bad as things had been between them it would get hundred times worse if Arthur would find about his magic. It was better to anger him by not telling then telling him the whole truth, because clearly that would never end in a good way, not in the near future at least.

"I am your king Merlin, if I ask you something you'll answer me or I swear I might kick you into the stocks,'' Arthur told him, tapping his fingers slowly on the table as he still watched Merlin seriously.

"Then put me into the stocks, I'm sure it will feel like a party compared to being around you lately,'' he snapped back while the anger rose inside of him. He reached forward to take a goblet that was still full of water and he threw it as fast as he could into Arthur's head- that barely managed to bend his head to avoid it.

"Are you mad?"

He made no sense; Arthur often threw something into Merlin. Nothing serious but few times it had hurt, even a lot. Merlin hurried quickly away from Arthur, not wanting to be around him because it would only end with fighting.

He ended going to his bedroom to lay in his bed, there had been a second that he thought it was a great idea to get drunk with Gwaine but then the he realized there was nothing better than sleep when you wanted to get away. He wasn't sure he could fall asleep but he would definitely try.

Sleep didn't come for hours, so of course images of Arthur bare-chested just had to come to his mind. They often did, especially when he was in bed resting, if Merlin thought about it then he should be grateful that they most often came when he was alone. From experience it was one of the most embarrassing things was when you get boner in public, not that everyone noticed but felt so wrong. He brought his palm to cup himself trough the trousers. There was one time when Arthur had been bathing and Merlin had dared to look at everything only for a second, not wanting Arthur to catch him staring, well then he had seen everything. Too much in fact because after that day his fantasies about him only became more frequent. Even though it had only been a short second he remembered everything he saw, he of course had seen him bare-chested very often so he had been more focused on the groin area and the memory of it was still very vivid. If this memory didn't make his fantasies so damn hot he would be regretting this peaking more than anything. The fact that he had managed to hold a straight face in front of Arthur after recently fantasizing like that was almost a miracle. It was four years, four years of battling with the fact that he was in love, with none other than Arthur fucking Pendragon.

Merlin couldn't help but sneak his hand under his trousers to cup his hard one to start to give it firm strokes thinking of nothing else but Arthur's mouth around it. He had no idea if people would even do things like that in bed but he didn't think too much about it, because Arthur's mouth was perfect and the thought of it around his manhood was almost too much to handle. There was another thing that was even worse and that was the thought of Arthur entering him, to make them as one. He never dared to do anything about that, other than trusting one finger slightly in. Most often when he thrust one he wanted more but he never dared, because it was wrong. It was all wrong. The fact of him thinking about Arthur was wrong, it really was but he couldn't go that far to take his dirty fantasies out of his mind because they wouldn't go even if he tried.

As he continued to stroke himself slowly but firmly he couldn't shut down the thought of how it felt to push one of his finger slightly more in than usual. Yes he knew it was definitely considered wrong but who would know that he did it? He had even pushed one slightly in before and it was not like anyone knew it. Unless his bedroom was full of ghosts and Merlin really doubted that.

Slowly he brought his finger into his mouth to make it wet, only so it wouldn't hurt that bad. He still felt a bit sensitive after the rapes but he couldn't bring himself to care too much, he was too curious of how it felt to really put it in there when he actually wanted it. As he was ready he thrust his finger slowly in, letting himself moan at the strange sensation. The strange sensation that weirdly felt good even though it hurt. He bit his lip as he thrust it as far as it could go, it felt good. It felt so good that he was regretting doing this in the first place, now he would only want this more. There was no way he could stop now so he slowly started thrusting it in and out, bringing his left hand to stroke his manhood. Even though he was biting his lip he couldn't hold back the moans, it felt better than he had expected. Thinking of Arthur and doing this was just too good.

A loud bang was heard as Arthur accidentally kicked the chair over because he had stepped on a book and lost his balance. Merlin opened his eyes startled as he pulled his finger out and released his manhood. As he saw Arthur he blushed furiously, thank god that he was under his covers. He sat slowly up staring at Arthur that had too, blushed furiously. How had he not heard Arthur opening the door? He must have been so into his fantasies that he completely forgot reality.

"I had no idea you were,'' Arthur managed to force out not watching Merlin in the eyes as he turned around to face the other way.

"I'll just leave you to it,'' Arthur told him unclearly as he hurried quickly outside of the room. Merlin was so embarrassed that he felt hot tears streaming down his cheeks, he felt like a disgusting pervert. Why would he say "I'll just leave you to it?" It's not like Merlin would ever continue after this happening. He was never ever going to let himself fantasize about Arthur in this way, never again. The fact that he had no idea how long Arthur had been there terrified him, did he know what he had been doing with his finger? Because if Merlin was right, then only men that liked the same gender did a thing like that.

* * *

_if my best friend would ever read this chapter she would still be making fun of me on my death bed_.

_And i'm sorry about that pointless scene with Merlin throwing a goblet at him, i just wanted to write it. Buut anyways this chapter was a bit.. hmm.. you know maybe a bit pointless.. soon arthur is going to tell some dark secrets wohoo_

_clearly as arthur walked in on merlin he was going to say he's sorry but he forgot about that.. could we blame him?_

_I'm sorry of for making arthur so bitchy but...it's a reason for it.. not that it makes it okay but.. is the reason even obvious or does nobody even realize it?_

_ALSO no merlin is not stupid about sexual acts because there was no porn.. not that everyone watches it but i think pretty much everyone has sometime peaked at something.. ooor read a dirty fanfiction...like this chapter._

**___I'm sorry if this is horrible guys, really i am and i'm also sorry for saying this because i really shouldn't. Thank you all so much for the reviews!.. I HAVE TWO other chapters completely written and if i get 3 reviews i'll post another within 2 days and if i get 4+ reviews i'll post the next within 2 days and then another within 5 days :)_**


	13. I want to protect you

**I want to protect you**

There was no way for Merlin to relax so he spent the whole night trying to calm down without any sleep. He had to go to work tomorrow and he couldn't stop thinking about what Arthur had seen. He so dearly hoped that Arthur did not find out about that he liked men, or more so liked him. It was terrifying not knowing what Arthur had seen and how much he could be able to puzzle together. Still Arthur couldn't have been there that for that long because Merlin couldn't believe that he could be that out of the world that he wouldn't notice his presence. More importantly was the fact that Arthur would never just stare at what was happening without going or making sure Merlin knew he was there. So when the morning came; Merlin had finally convinced himself that Arthur didn't know exactly what he was doing other than- well something that was considered more normal. It didn't take all the embarrassment away but it made him feel way much better.

In the morning he was surprised to find out that Arthur had slept in his old chambers. He headed there, wondering about why on earth he would prefer to sleep alone when he had a lovely wife. Maybe just maybe he had been so disgusted with what he saw that he couldn't even be around people, because he didn't want to explain to them why he had that filthy look on his face. That did make a bit of a sense, also Arthur had clearly been thinking a lot lately. So maybe he just needed some time alone.

"Sire,'' Merlin murmured as he opened the door seeing Arthur already dressed, sitting by the table. Merlin did everything in his powers not to think about what happened last night but he was completely sure he was already blushing. He felt so embarrassed that he wanted to throw up. Instead of throwing up he walked to Arthur to place his food in front of him. Then he waited for Arthur to tell him what to do, because he himself didn't really have much to say nor wanted to say much. He just hoped Arthur wasn't so disgusted with what he saw that we wouldn't be around him, because even though Merlin wanted some space now he would be devastated if that would be the case.

Slowly Arthur fixed his eyes on Merlin's, only making him blush more if possible and look to the floor.

"Sit,'' Arthur demanded and Merlin sat down by his side without looking at him because dear god it was way too hard to even feel Arthur's eyes from the corner of his eye.

"I don't get why you would do this alone when you are clearly dating someone,'' Arthur murmured, pointing at the side of his neck that still had the love mark. Merlin fought the memories of last night as he could but with Arthur asking this it wasn't exactly easy.

"So you aren't with anyone?'' Arthur asked him, still staring at him. Why was Arthur always so curious lately? It was starting to annoy Merlin.

"What were you doing with your finger?,'' Arthur murmured in a very casual voice, so casual that it took Merlin several moments to realize he had said, but when he did breathing became ridiculously hard. Merlin couldn't believe that only few hours ago he had thought nobody would ever find out. He almost surprised himself when he felt hot tears on his cheeks; he had been so sure Arthur hadn't been there for so long.

Merlin quickly ran out of the chambers not stopping until he was sitting in a corner in his own bedroom, knees bent as he hugged them and laid his face down only to hide. He knew this would only make Arthur more suspicious but he hadn't been able to stop himself from crying anyways. Of course Arthur had to follow him and open the door to storm in after opening with his keys that he somewhere got, Merlin still had no idea where.

"Do you engage in sodomy?'' Arthur said after stopping right in front of Merlin that bit his lip firmly to stay calm. Arthur obviously had puzzled it together.

"If you had forgotten then I was with a girl,'' Merlin whispered shakily. He heard Arthur give a laugh.

"What were you then doing with your finger?"

"On my penis you half wit,'' Merlin snapped, now watching him angrily after looking up. Arthur frowned quickly, looking maybe a bit ashamed.

"I wasn't trying to offend you, I was just asking"

"Do I look like a sodomite?"

"A bit,'' Arthur teased.

"You too"

Arthur gave a laugh. "I don't think you would be able to see it on people especially because it's forbidden. They really need to hide it and thank god for it to be forbidden. Its nonsense and utterly disgusting when they do it,'' Arthur murmured as he sat down on Merlin's bed.

"Why do you even mind? Nobody was asking you to watch,'' Merlin babbled out annoyed, almost surprised of what he said.

"You support them?"

"I don't care; I'm not going to waste my time hating a group of people I don't even know. The only thing I would know about them is how they like to do it and it's not like I want to watch that happen so I don't see why it's a problem,'' Merlin murmured angrily. He was surprised when Arthur grinned at what he was saying as he watched Merlin fondly. By the looks of it for Merlin;he only looked enjoyed by that fact how irritated he had managed to make him.

Arthur gave him a sign to come so he sat beside him to look at Arthur and wait for him to say something, but he only gently placed a hand over his shoulder.

"I am sorry about the way I've treated you Merlin, I'm so sorry,'' Arthur whispered close to his ear, then he moved his lips to peck his temple gently.

"If you ever tell anyone how nice I've sometimes been too you lately I'll feed you to the dogs,'' Arthur whispered close to his ear, sending shivers down Merlin's back.

"Believe me if I did nobody would believe me,'' Merlin smiled watching the floor, not wanting to move his head because Arthur was too close.

"Hey_, _of course I'm better to you now"

"You really are a clotpole"

"So why haven't you been dating anyone until now since you're not a sodomite?'' Arthur asked mockingly, moving slightly to sit further away from him as he took his hand away.

Merlin looked at him feeling not so amused anymore. "I thought you would be the one to know that the best. You have reminded me I'm annoying, stupid and ugly at least several times"

"Go clean up the stables you lazy half wit,'' Arthur murmured after hitting Merlin in the arm.

* * *

Several days went by, Arthur never lost his temper and even threw jokes here and there even though on times he barely talked, seeming very distracted in his thoughts. Still his smiles were always lacking something. Sadly those little gentle touches were completely gone; Merlin would be lying if he said he didn't miss them. He himself was still often rather awkward after what had happened but often managed to distract himself from the memory when around Arthur. Arthur on the other hand had never brought it up again, not even to mock him about it. Merlin secretly thought that Arthur was very embarrassed about it too; after all he had been that one that stormed in without knocking, so it obviously was entire his fault. The one that could more easily feel shame was Merlin though, because it had been him that had been doing it, not Arthur.

Those past days Oliver had knocked at least several times after dark, or it only made sense it was him but Merlin couldn't be sure. He never dared to open the door, even though sometimes he really wanted to. However he himself hadn't been doing very well, ever since the incident of Arthur walking in on him he cut his arms whenever he had sexual thoughts about Arthur. The purpose of his cutting wasn't even to numb his pain anymore. He was angry with himself for those thoughts and on top of all angry because he didn't feel capable to opening up about his magic. To be left by his mother because of his magic was something he could never forget and did without doubt play a big part in the reason why he felt unable to open up about it to Arthur. Not that he wanted it to affect him this way but if did, and of course there were other obvious reasons why it wasn't easy opening up about being a sorcerer. Magic had been banned for good several years, even though Arthur wasn't as serious about it as his father then he was very wary of it.

Something hit his cheek firmly and Merlin's eyes flew open, thankfully it hadn't been that firm, not that he would care much about it if he thought of it. He opened his eyes to see that Arthur had just returned after dining dinner with Gwen.

"Merlin, I don't remember marking one of your chores to sleep on my floor,'' Arthur mocked loudly as he was kneeling on his knees watching Merlin with a little smile.

"I really didn't know that sire,'' Merlin whispered ironically back, trying to sound as happier than he actually was.

Arthur simple rolled his eyes. "You are dismissed until tomorrow. Go and get something to eat and try to go to bed early, it isn't very much use for you to be a mat on my floor. You don't even suit it anyways"

* * *

Merlin didn't realize how lucky he had been until he heard Oliver's voice shout for his name as he was on his way back home, he really should had appreciated it more that he hadn't ran into him until now. Quickly he opened the door to step into his home, feeling Oliver sneak in after him.

"What do you want?,'' Merlin asked him, feeling maybe a bit too annoyed for it to be reasonable. Oliver was watching him sadly, so sadly that it didn't even make sense to Merlin. It wasn't like he had been ignoring a friend, he barely knew him. Oliver surely shouldn't be looking that sad about it.

"Why haven't you opened the door for me?"

"Because I don't know you and everything about what we did was stupid"

"So you'd rather skip experiencing anything like this for your whole life?"

Merlin gave an angry nod as Oliver continued to watch him, but now he didn't really look sad, more like worried.

"You really don't look very happy"

"Maybe it would change if you would get the hell out of my home"

Without expecting it then Oliver pulled him into a firm hug, Merlin couldn't deny he wanted it. He closed his eyes thinking those were Arthur's arms around him. It was only a hug; he was allowed to think about Arthur now. Friends sometimes did hug even though that wasn't in the usual for him and Arthur. Merlin closed his own arms around Oliver, maybe a bit too tightly. But right now he didn't care about embarrassing himself. He was lost in thoughts about hugging Arthur.

There was a kiss planted on the top of his head, Merlin's mouth twisted into a little smile as he hid his face in his chest. Maybe this once he could let himself think of Arthur, how it would be to kiss him. Just once more, then he could never allow himself to have those thoughts ever again.

He moved his face from his chest to look at Oliver that gave him a sad little smile. This might be his only chance to do something with another man ever again, just tonight he would let himself do this and think of Arthur. Of course if Oliver was willing but somehow Merlin doubted he wasn't. He tipped up to his toes and locked his lips with Oliver's. Thoughts of that it was Arthur's tongue possessively exploring his mouth was beyond erecting. It didn't take Oliver long to push him against the wall and moving his hands under his shirt to explore him there too. Oliver pushed his thigh in contact with Merlin's growing erection, making him moan right into his mouth. Then Oliver started toying with Merlin's trousers; forcing them a bit down along with his breeches_._ He was obviously not in a mood to take it slowly.

"Shh, I'll take care of you,'' Oliver whispered when Merlin took a firm hold on his hand that was touching his bare thigh under his slightly too long shirt. He released his hand and Oliver took a hold of his member watching Merlin's face.

"Relax yourself,'' he whispered, making Merlin nod jerkily. Before he knew Oliver was sucking his neck firmly, almost like trying to leave a bruise. He started moving his hand firmly but slowly as his thumb sometimes stroked over his head.

Holding the moans in wasn't exactly easy, he tried his best but some of them escaped his lips without him wanting to. Oliver was without doubt trying to leave marks on his neck.

"Don't do it so hard,'' Merlin managed to choke out as he moved his hands from his hips to his chest to give it a little push. That little push did nothing close to his purpose because Oliver only went on his knees, pushing the shirt away to take a look at his erection.

"No what-,'' Was all Merlin managed to say before Oliver took him in his mouth. As shocked as Merlin was and even terrified he couldn't stop this from feeling so bloody good. He almost forgot how embarrassed he was. It wasn't long until Oliver had cupped Merlin's buttocks and was bringing them as much apart as he could. He couldn't complain because this felt so bloody good, not even caring that he gave a moan that was slightly louder than before. It wasn't until he felt a finger on his open when he panicked, feeling not so lost in his fantasies anymore.

"No, stop it,'' Merlin said feeling panicked, making Oliver look up and stop what he was doing.

"Please,'' Oliver said hoarsely, looking almost worn out. Quickly Merlin pulled his trousers and breeches back on.

"Get out,'' Merlin yelled, sounding not only frustrated but angry as hell. But Oliver had no idea of the main reason, Merlin was indeed angry with himself to give in and let himself do this and think about Arthur. Slowly Oliver stood up, looking at Merlin even more hurt than he had been before. Without expecting it Merlin found himself being pulled into a firm hug, almost if Oliver was holding him with all his strength.

"Stop this; it's nothing wrong with this,'' Oliver whispered to his ear, as to comfort him. Not that it did.

"Please go,'' Merlin whispered as he felt Oliver hand stroking over his hair lightly.

* * *

There wasn't enough pain he could punish himself with for this, but still he tried. Then he cradled himself on the floor under the table, rapping his forearm in bandage only so the blood wouldn't go everywhere. He closed his eyes, his life couldn't continue like this. He felt completely helpless without Gaius by his side. The only thing that made life a bit more bearable was that Gaius was in a good place now, a happier place then here.

The door was suddenly slammed shut and he opened his eyes after almost having fallen asleep. This must be Arthur because only he stormed in like that without knocking. To be honest with himself Merlin couldn't blame him that much by doing it because in the past he was used to storm in to Arthur's even though he has constantly asked him to stop.

"Merlin?"

He watched as Arthur's feet walked around the room, obviously making sure he wasn't there. Then he stormed into his bedroom and Merlin heard him pace around there for a bit until he came back and stopped right in front of the table and sat down on a chair, just in front Merlin's face. He must have decided to wait for Merlin, but of course he had to move his feet making it bump right into Merlin's forehead. Curious Arthur looked under the table to find Merlin stare back at him.

"What on earth are you doing under that table?" Arthur asked surprised. Completely lost for words Merlin simple stared back at him. He hadn't been expecting to be found. Suddenly Arthur dove down to his knees, placing his hand on Merlin's neck.

"Are you saying that girl you met did this to you?"

Merlin gave a little nod and Arthur quickly took under his arms and dragged him from under the table, then he went on his knees again to look down on Merlin.

"Who did this?, because I swear I'll make sure this person will pay,'' Arthur murmured coldly as he stared at his neck.

"A new girl I met did this, she's really weird so I've decided not to meet her again,'' Merlin whispered, staring right back at Arthur that was looking at him worried.

Just as Merlin thought this wouldn't get farther a knock came to the door. Arthur quickly stood up and opened the door. Merlin sat up, wanting to see who it was.

"Sire,'' he heard Oliver's voice say, sounding very surprised. Merlin came to be beside Arthur to see Oliver. Without expecting it Merlin felt Arthur push him away to pull Oliver by his shirt. The door was closed and it didn't take Arthur long to slam him to the wall, holding his neck a firm grip.

"Arthur what are you doing?'' Merlin yelled in shock. Arthur completely ignored him, staring at Oliver with hate.

"If I find out you hurt him I swear I'll make you pay,'' Arthur told him, voice trembling cold. He only softened his grip on his neck a bit so he could answer.

"I didn't, sire,'' he managed to choke out, Arthur released his grip only to punch him in the face and then push him roughly to the floor.

"Is it true?"

Merlin nodded eagerly, Arthur shocked his head in disbelieve.

"I can read you like an open book Merlin. Someone or something must be hurting you,'' Arthur told him as he forced Oliver to stand up by holding his arm.

"It wasn't him, I told you. It was this crazy girl and she didn't really hurt me,'' Merlin him shakily, then he watched as Arthur pushed Oliver firmly out and closed the door.

"You better be telling me the truth Merlin,'' Arthur muttered under his breath as he walked to the table to fill a cup with water that stood on the table.

"I just lost Gaius, that's what's hurting me"

Arthur looked at him sadly. "Of course, but seriously Merlin, the state of your neck isn't normal. I will not believe you actually wanted that"

Merlin sighed, not knowing what he should say.

"So you are meaning to say that you wanted someone to leave all those bruises?" Arthur asked angrily.

"This only looks like torture to me,'' Arthur muttered, taking a seat by the table. He fixed his eyes on Merlin's, looking him up and down as to make sure nothing more was out of the ordinary.

"I know,'' Merlin whispered, still standing by the door as he reached up to rub his eyes. He quickly fixed his eyes when Arthur was heard standing up.

"Why do you have a bandage?" Arthur asked, obviously seeing the bandage when he moved his hands to rub his tired eyes.

* * *

_Okay i obviously couldn't use the word "gay" because it's new. Then the word "poof" isn't old enough aaand well the words i used are. But honestly i'm not sure if i'm using them the right way, so it's okay to tell me if you notice :)... Also breeches apparently can be briefs too..i think. I apologize if i said something that didn't make sense. Hope you guys enjoy this, at least a bit AND thank you for the reviews, they are so kind and i really appreciate them BTW;I publish faster if i get them ;)_


End file.
